Yesterday was very long…I was quite depressed that morning…not only is this week intensely stressful and jam packed for me, I was still feeling like life was colorless and bland…I went to work and had to practice injecting rats! Scary! I was so worried I would hurt them! After hours of lab work I left actually feeling better because I feel the manual labor had cleared my head and sort of reset me.
So then I went to study and was successful and was getting work done! I went to class after and had a really tough time paying attention again. I should be getting note taking services soon so I am grateful for that. After my classes I began to feel depressed again…one on of my shows one of the characters said “depression is caused by repressing something” like repressing bad emotions. And I wondered what it was I was repressing if that was the case. And I realized that I’m pretty deeply upset that I just had to dismiss all my experiences in life as being psychosis…I experienced this whole other reality and all these absolutely wild things and now I’m just supposed to say that’s psychosis and forget all about it…and I started thinking about how strongly I would dissociate myself from what was going on with me during those times so I could still act normal and happy to others…and thinking of all this made me feel even worse and I began to space out…
I get back to the apartment and I do my best to keep getting work done even though it is very late for me to try to focus. My apartmentmate and roommate came back and I figured everything was cool. Then suddenly my roommate lashed out at me because I had thrown red solo cups in the trash instead of the recycling. I was already in a bad mood and knew she was just in one of her moods and taking it out on me again but I couldn’t take it this time. So I snapped at her I didn’t know it was recycling and she could just explain to me nicely that it was recycling and I would put it in there, and she yelled at me that she had told me that before, which I had no memory of whatsoever. So then I felt even worse because memory is something I really struggle with and I forget things I say and do all the time and it really bothers me when I realize this happens. So I just stormed out of the apartment because I knew I was about to start saying really nasty things to her.
I went out into the lounge with my stuff to study and my anger turned into just horrible sadness. All I could think was “this is too much…this is too much…” and I started crying in the lounge and it was awkward because I wasn’t alone…then I asked another of my friends who lives in the building if I could come down so I did and I talked to her about it and was sobbing and shaking. I realized how often this happens, my roommate taking out her bad mood on me. How often she criticizes me. Like one thing she really attacked me for was using paper plates and plastic cups and plastic ware instead of reusable but the reason I do that is because my depression makes washing dishes extremely difficult, so she made me feel like a terrible person because of my depression…and I felt pathetic like I should be able to do more, and like I was bad to the environment…that’s just one example. And I realized how often I’m sort of walking on eggshells around her because I’m so nervous of her blowing up at me over something small. And that reminded me of living with my dad because he is the same way…so I guess it was very cathartic to finally talk about all of this and how badly it was affecting me. My friend was very nice and helpful, she’s a good friend, I don’t know why she has such low self esteem because she is really a good person and she doesn’t think she is.
Anyways I went back up to my apartment once I felt better and my roommate apologized to me as soon as I walked in…she said she had had a very long day and hadn’t eaten in 10 hours…I knew that she was probably just in a bad mood but when I was telling that to my other friend my friend said that her having had a bad day or a long day was not an excuse to snap at other people, or as she put it “be a dick” lol…and I had had a very long bad day too and I was perfectly pleasant with everyone. She said I should talk with my roommate about the situation because my roommate doesn’t really know about my mental illness or what I struggle with daily and also I don’t think she knows how often she takes out her bad mood on those around her. I care about my roommate but this is a serious issue that is really causing problems for me and I really do not need any more problems on top of what I already have.
So anyways this morning me and my roommate didn’t talk at all…then I went to work feeling sort of sad and heavy…I’m waiting for class to start now. I’m awfully tired and wish I didn’t have so much work to do this week.