I try to deny the spiritual utterly. Want there to be only material atoms in the world. I’ll tell you why.
In the split infinity of the moment of death, my soul has two possible destinations: heaven or hell, depending on whether my heart is righteous or wicked. If the former, my heart is selflessly loving; if the latter, selfishly desiring. The impulse of my heart, altruistic or egoistic, decides my soul’s afterlife of eternal reward or eternal punishment.
On Vraylar, the critical moment comes to me in a thought, then my heart races like fury. I fear like crazy that I’m going to hell. If I’m lucky, the panic will pass each time. But, I think I’ll have to abort this drug.
The religious-type posts are kind of a gray area. Since they are asking for help with a religious delusion, and not trying to convert people, I’ll let it stay open for now.
I sometimes feel like the “evil” side of me is overwhelming and I have no “good” side left. It is a common delusion, especially for abuse survivors. I don’t know if you’re a survivor or not, but it really spoke to me.
Every person is capable of doing both good and bad things. But that doesn’t make you good or bad. It makes you a regular human being with flaws and positive attributes, just like everyone else.
I’m sorry. That must have been terrible. Survivors frequently feel as though they are worth less than other people, because they have been undervalued by the people they relied on. But no amount of abuse can take away your value as a person. Sexual abuse survivors from religious backgrounds feel even worse, because their sex ed usually consisted of some variation of “if you’re not a virgin then nobody will ever love you” which is blatantly untrue. Having sex does not change your value as a person, even if you’ve had sex with hundreds of people. Being abused does not make you worth less. You’re still a whole person who deserves to be loved and treated well.
I grew up hating sadomasochism due to my experience. Sorry; I’m in therapy for this, too. My parents were not religious – and for a reason. Oof. They were alcoholics and just really sick people… I got my religious belief probably from my sister. The whole family deferred to her views. Or, maybe I came into life with my fundamentalist idea. Best not to go there, tho.