I have quite a scary type of schizophrenia. Not only do I hear things, I see things, and I interpret the world differently. One weird thing of my schizophrenia is I think someone is sometimes controlling my eyes. I will start to see messages in text that relate to the topics my voices are telling me about. The culprit, when schizophrenia first started, I heard hundreds of voices… now it’s down with 7 and they promise me they will never leave me a lone. The rest of these voices are in my mind plotting on making me think certain things(i call them artificial thoughts and get them quite a lot now). I had an episode of this and is (and I’ve messed this deal up) but I was to quit life and throw everything away for ten years and just become a bum and live where I could. I could not do anything… only listen to the voices belittle me. As I’ve rejected this deal countless times, once I was reading dictionary text from a special dictionary I have… and I glanced at a example sentence that said that I would have to give up for the next ten years… What’s frightening is the topic my voices where on for the last hour was trying to make me give up life for the next ten years. Sounds coincidental, but this happens everyday.
The voices are connected with my mind and can hear my thoughts… so sometimes when I’m really making them mad they will go from outside my head to inside my head and just talk in my mind. This will force my thoughts to say what they’re saying. If they do this the right way, and I’m not prepared to reject what they are saying… they can make me whisper something for about 2-3 seconds. Sometimes for a chuckle I will say the full sentence that they want me to say.
My illusions are little balls of light that float around every once in a while. They didn’t know how to use this against me at first, but after five years they say that people can finally see these bubbles… and they will always set them off in front of people in my field of vision to let me know and to alarm people of my dealing with schizophrenia and that people will have to stay away from me because of it.
Now the voices are saying one thing to me as I’m writing this, “You’re dumb.” repetitively and in a slurred and prolonged type of way. It is quite annoying. Their voices are of whining little kids but I can tell they’re grown so they’re extra annoying.
Anyways I write to you today, because this is about the 100th time they have asked me to commit suicide for them. As I probably won’t commit suicide, I am a hated man. My schizophrenia is starting to make a bit of sense. I ignored not being liked for so long and they tell me I’m also wrong for not caring what other people think of me.
I read about schizophrenia a lot and I’m semi-educated on the matter. I know that most of my schizophrenia episodes are pure textbook schizophrenia. I sometimes describe my voices as verbal ninjas trained in the arts of schizophrenia… meaning they purely intuitively think and breathe schizophrenia.
When I was diagnosed 5-6 years ago I was forced to pause on all my projects… one was starting a car company an extremely lofty goal that I hardly took serious but they did…(matter of fact when I thought this project up, is when my schizophrenia started… my schizophrenia actually wants me to tell you this is the reason they started with me. They want me to tell you I’m greedy. That i deserved this and their sole reason to stop me was they were jealous) Anyways… just recently I lost a lot of money at a casino(amateur gambler) and I decided enough was enough. I would stop worrying about the casino and I started working back on all my projects. This has made them hellbent to stop me. Their main promise is if I stop now, I can continue in the afterlife. Now I tell you this because I’m not afraid of them and chuckle unkindly at them.
Their real reason of their reason of bothering me is I’m super confident and longing to be quite successful. I have a lot of ideas and projects going on that they try to intervene with. Their reason is that no one wants me to do these things and that I should understand their reason for hating me. If I quit now, I can have all the riches, all the women, and the land etc that I want in the afterlife.
Another weird thing is when I close my eyes it’s like I’m watching little youtube videos. For 5+ years I never had a dream. I started dreaming about these little guys suddenly then schizophrenia came. My dreams became more real… and when I close my eyes, sometimes I can see whatever I watched on tv come alive in my mind in different ways. I might see a girl try to turn me on when I close my eyes… then dream about her setting me up. The scariest part are these voices are even in my dreams… and have an extra power of controlling my mental awareness and cognition. They can make me do things and talk to me while I’m dreaming. I dreamt of a girl that wanted to sleep with me and I said no… one of the voices got mad at me, made me think of having sex with her… and I all of a sudden wanted to have sex with her. This lead into a lying plea that I raped her. I get a lot of these. The funny thing about this was when they first started babbling to me they were trying to convince me that I was a rapist. I only had sex once in my life lol.
Well, I know you guys see a lot of schizophrenia cases. What does mine look like and what do you consider me doing? I’m already on medicine, hate to talk about it, but will… and I’m not interested in going to help groups.