Schizophrenia.com

Remembering so called episodes

None of them make sense. In High school they hired a therapist to film me doing my homework. Every morning they would greet me with the strange blond haired lady who wanted to video tape me. They sent a letter to my parents asking for their permission. Eventually I dropped out, even though I was ahead in all my classes. They said I was failing because they stopped grading my papers and I just gave up, stopped writing assignments on the board. I had a psychic awakening, the one people talk about. I keep thinking about it. Its what really broke me, when I was baker acted after dropping out of high school. I was thinking about it all day actually.

How there was a guy who had OCD who asked me about the Iraq war, and I thought was a government agent or undercover. How they switched the numbers to the room when I entered the building. It was almost like a staged event. When I stood up and tried to walk out, I was yelled at and told to ‘sit back down!’ in the cafe and eat my lunch. A man came through the same doors with a stretcher and like a drip attached to it, looked around, and almost angrily shrugged and left. They took my folder that I completed three times, after I was told I had to fill it out for an early release I filled them out and they were confiscated. My parents said I had a manic episode because I got upset and told my mom I was not crazy and she became hostile.

They were trying to wipe out what they had been saying that I was worthless and crazy and belonged on the street. My parents like switches just turned evil. I was never doing anything, just watching tv or eating in my messy room. They weren’t homeschooling me after I dropped out of high school. I took the GED after I got out of the psych ward and turned eighteen. I just got the book and read a few pages and passed. In classes, no one told me when the whole school left and went to church. When I wrote answers to a pop quiz, everyone else’s answers were verbatim to mine but no one saw what i wrote and I guessed.

It was like a was projecting my psychic abilities and things were going haywire and the masses fell asleep at the same time. I started hearing things no one else could hear, radio channels and subliminals messages in other languages, like at a mcdonalds I heard subliminals in chinese. I heard something about a Russian radio station in the airwaves through a plane in DC. It said, this is KMFDM radio. My ipod turned on later and said, "Can you hear me’ in a crisp male monotone voice or something and I knew it was the criminals. They finally stopped messing with me when some real life aliens and demons started coming out of it all. I think thats why I was left alone.

So no I’m not kidding, my so called delusional paranormal experiences aren’t fixable by a pill or whitewashing. I have had some really fked up experiences related to the war, social activism, 911, and my parents role and their history and connections and this is how it all played out. I think also they thought my story about the Pandemic and New World Order I wrote in 2001 might be too controversial as it predicted things in the way 1984 does…no one even read it. No one even cares. Its not based on the past it was the past based on the future and I created the term RFID ink, and I came up with the endless tollbooths and the brainwashed citizens. It was meant to be science fiction, and then science fiction became reality.

Interesting.
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Sorry I had to get this out of my head. It feels good to write down. Maybe doesn’t make so much sense, but I feel really happy right now for some reason and I’m releasing the past but you can’t release the past or reconcile if you can’t learn to make sense of it. I know that I have struggled in the past also with delusions and also with hallucinations. I just don’t believe that they have to be permanent, that I have to believe that a pill every day is the answer, and that consistency of it all is the solution because its easier to believe in myself than the system.