Still be there for each other, but it’s difficult. I think I do have Bipolar, not Schizophrenia, which is less severe. Or at least I’m hoping. I have been better off Abilify and Vyvanse, however my friend disappeared with his guy friend for this entire past weekend I was worried about him. He has schizophrenia, and refused to go home. Initially it was my dumb idea because my friend wanted to go shopping and hang out for his birthday, but we didn’t agree to spend the night over and that’s when the drama happened. He started drinking, and flirting with other girls which kind of hurt but not that much, we’re not dating right now. It’s painful because I don’t know if he loves me or means it, and I’m taking distance from him so that I don’t get hurt or too involved right now. He got angry when I tried to give him a ride to his house because his mom called my dad and didn’t know where he is, so I panicked thought he had hurt himself or something and I found him, even though this friend lied and said he wasn’t with him. I got mad when I got there, because my bf was really acting violent and upset that I had come, and then I called him this afternoon and he said yeah we can hang out, and then I drove thirty minutes to pick him up from the guy’s house a friend, but who really upset me and I don’t want to talk to anymore, because he doesn’t get schizophrenia. He doesn’t understand people don’t get it who don’t have it, or are just irresponsible. I know it’s chronic and there’s no cure, and yes there are lots of possibilities in treatment–that’s me I am pro recovery and I think people should be positive about their illness, not dwell all the time. However it is very real, really painful, to see someone lose contact and say crazy things. I haven’t done this yet but I have been having sort of racing thoughts occasionally, so that’s why I did recover or have bipolar a less severe psychosis. I’m not sure its bipolar, it might just be like a spectrum of schizophrenia…
I’ve been talking to myself a bit, and I’ve been manic…but not like I got when I used to get sick…I remember though, when I was younger I had stopped Abilify for 6 months and suddenly had a bad episode, dropped out of high school, thought I was in another dimension, thought the counselor was out to get me and record me on camera to somehow mind control me, and then I had outbursts, I stayed at a ranch or farm for about a month but it didn’t fix me. I didn’t get better, and after that I cut myself once and then soon after a bit the mania was too much and my dad took me to the hospital, using the fight where I broke things my mom loved to be able to get me in and it wasn’t that bad, it was bad because I was having psychosis. I don’t want that to happen again, but when I take Abilify I feel like it disconnects me from my emotions and dealing with reality not fixing me, and then it’s also impairing my vision I found out it is likely the cause of me needing new glasses and not being able to read signs from a distance but it started improving…and I have not taken it in probably a couple weeks or so.
I obsess about not getting sick, I don’t want to be sick or think I’m in denial, I Just don’t feel like Abilify is helping or I need it right now. Maybe something else…I’m allergic to a lot of medications…I can’t handle anti depressants because I become manic or psychotic. I stopped taking stimulant adhd medication because my psychiatrist says it was an unnecessary label and misdiagnosis of adhd, that I am doing well. Emotionally I’m ok too, just trying not to lose it I have no depression I have not been depressed…I think positively meditate and calm my mind, center, look for inner guidance, look for true friends and find love and beauty in each moment.