I was recently in the psych ward after a suicide attempt, and I was released on Friday. I think you all saw that coming lol. But I decided this time has to be the time that is final. The end. I cannot go back to the hospital. For me, it works like clockwork. If I take my medication consistently (which I do now, I’ve got that under control; I was having an episode because I didn’t have access to my medication because of insurance crap), and if I avoid all drugs, I will stay out of the hospital. Once one of those things gives, the other gives as well. I have never opened up to anyone really except just last night my mother and twin brother about the extent of my drug use. I am addicted to amphetamines. Obviously, this is terrible to combine with schizophrenia.The amphetamines I use is no longer prescription amphetamines like Adderrall, but rather the nasal sprays you can get at Walgreens that I crush and eat because I can steal it easily.
This morning, I woke up at 4:30 AM because I couldn’t sleep due to nightmares, and so far I am 2 days sober, and I am going to go to an AA meeting at 7:30 AM. Actually this most recent episode I didn’t use amphetamine, just occasional marijuana (which I believe is just as bad), because my ADHD prescription Strattera, helps my focus problems without getting me high and destabilizing me. The drug use started as a way to cope with then undiagnosed focus problems. The problem is, I ran out and didn’t meet with my doctor to refill it, so when I got out of the hospital I started using amphetamine again on Friday and Saturday. But I literally cannot go on like this. I have too much to lose. Some of you know that I want to become an Episcopal priest after college, and obviously the lifestyle of a priest is incompatible with using ■■■■■■■ legal analogues of meth.
The reason why I say recovery is a full-time job for me right now, is because I am going to partial hospitalization program at 9:30 after my AA meeting, and won’t be out until 3:00, so I guess it is like a job. I’m only going for two weeks before I move to Tennessee for a couple months to chill out with my dad, save up enough money to come back to California, and be able to live on my own. Maybe I’ll go back to my grandma’s house IDK because my mom said if I’m doing well and come back, she’ll get me a cat.
Have any of you ever done PHP? Please tell me about your experiences. Thank you for reading, and I hope I don’t make people too upset by admitting my drug problem as it intersects with my mental illness. I had schizophrenia before I started using drugs, but it is linked for me. When I am manic, I want to use drugs, and the drugs make me more manic and psychotic. So tell me about PHP.