My co-worker called me “mellow” last week. He said something like, “Wow, you always seem so calm while everybody else is stressed and arguing.” I walked away thinking about it and I realized it was a compliment but I had mixed feelings about it. Awhile later we ran into each other and I said, “That’s funny that you called me mellow because my friends in high school would think it’s funny if they heard that, because back then, I was always playing football or doing hard work or other physical things.” My co-worker got it and he laughed.
But something had been lurking in the back of my head but I hadn’t given it much thought .
It recently came to the forefront of my consciousness about a month ago. It is this: I have a bad back, the doctor says it’s lumbago. My lower back is always stiff and if I put too much pressure on it will hurt badly and strain it. It started 4 years ago when I had trouble bending down to tie my shoes. It was just irritating at first but I seriously injured it at work and I missed a lot of work because of it.
And it got painful to bend even the slightest. Sleeping was painful and awkward and getting out of bed was an ordeal. I was living in the board & care home and I used to have to park my car 4 blocks away because of the parking restrictions caused by having a university just blocks away.
So almost every day I had to walk 4 blocks to start off my day. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, it was good exercise. But then I started freaking out. This was a big city and the homeless were everywhere and there were gangs and drunk college kids all over the place. And my back is so bad that I cannot run and if someone wanted to mess with me and knocked me down I would probably go into shock from the pain and even to this day, if I ever fall, I might end up in a wheelchair; my back is that bad and painful.
I confided this to my roommate and he was a cool guy and he was in the military in his twenties and he offered to walk with me to protect me. It was a helluva nice gesture but I would rather risk walking by myself at night with the bad back then get someone else injured because of me. I was just freaking out because my condition is not one that will heal, I will have these back problems for the rest of my life.
I didn’t see how I could go out in public if I couldn’t defend myself. It really messed with my mind. But it dawned on me last week, I will never play sports again. Never. It’s impossible. No more baseball, football (my cousin was playing tackle football at my age) no basketball, no soccer. I can’t play all the sports I grew up playing. And even worse, as I look back at my work history, in my condition, I could never do most of those jobs now.
I can’t unload trucks, stock shelves, steam clean carpets, do labor like digging ditches or yardwork like digging out tree stump’s. Most of my twenty odd jobs were physical and I couldn’t do them now. It’s a tough reality to accept. I’ve always been a physical guy but no more. I’m lucky that I can vacuum at work and empty wastebaskets but I even have to be careful doing those. If I leave this job I won’t know what I will do for a job next. I’m not qualified for a desk job. In fact sitting for a long period aggravates my back too. I will just have to wait and see what unfolds.