So I’ve been taking a lot of showers lately. Sorry. I’ve been crying a lot lately and I was talking to my support person last night when our conversation reminded me of the “pep talk” we had early on.
I’d like to share it but it might be triggering for some people… I don’t really know, I’m not you.
Me: I mean, what kind of monster thinks these things, sees these things or does this to themselves??? I’ve spent my entire life trying to become stronger to deal with it all and it’s not working… I’m just so weak and pathetic!
Her: Weak? You’re weak??? How long have you been dealing with the visions, the hallucinations, the voices, the night terrors? You’re just a little younger than me right? Mid thirties or so?
Me: … yeah…
Her: You’ve been dealing with all this for a better part of 30 years! People aren’t supposed to have to deal with this stuff at all! On top of that, in the last decade you got married and have 4 kids. And it’s only been in the past, what?, two? that it’s really gotten hard for you?
Me: … something like that…
Her: And even then, it took an abusive manager, realizing that your marriage isn’t what you thought, getting fired and a f****** pandemic to bring you this low?! I wish I had your strength! You’re not even broken yet! I bet I could hit you with a baseball bat and you’d still keep going.
Me: Heh… I’d prefer you didn’t…
Her: Of course I won’t. I’m not a monster and neither are you! But all that isn’t even why I know you’re strong though. I know you’re strong because you identified when you really needed help and you sought it out. That’s strength!
Me: … I guess…
Her: You don’t have to guess! I’m telling you! Bad news is you’re going to need to stay strong.
Me: … [sniff]… Why?
Her: Because someday I’m going to need that strength and you better be there to give it to me! Now get up and give me hug. I need one right now.
She doesn’t actually like hugs but she knows I do. She describes herself as motherly. She has one of those personalities where right when you think these going to kick your teeth in, she picks you up and puts you on her shoulders. She’s short and scrappy and I don’t know where I’d be without her.
My point is: Realize that even when you feel weak and broken, you are way stronger than you think you are.