Questions/help for internal state of mind poss. (Religion trigger warning)

So I am going to try to address my state of mind as clear as I am cable of. If any one has anything similarities in their experiences, positive feedback or advice, any questions, any own perspective on my situation, I would love to hear it.

In my mind there is a positive thought, (me) and a negative thought (voice). As for hallucinations, specs of color, kind of like a tv fuzz and dreamlike in my head. The negative thought speaks on sacreligious (christian) Jesus, mother Mary, Angels, etc. thoughts, perverted thoughts about things in my environment, shameful thoughts about people in the past and so on. The positive thought (me) tries to ignore it/ not believe in it, not respond to it, correct it, and so on. i also have a bad case of depersonalization to the point where I am living in state where I feel like I am not in control of my speech or body movement, kind of like being in a nightmare dream watching life through my eyes completely not in control. Itā€™s hard for me at times to get a grip on what is really happening to me, and I waver back and forth on the idea of being possessed or being ill. My whole mind is always trying to find the answer to get out of this madness, and return to a state of mind where I can be well again in with. But that day never comes and the years pass me by.

So this is just a simple model of my thinking would love for any posts/comments.

ā€œshameful thoughts about people in the past and so onā€

Guilt and regret can ravage your soul. Is this perhaps the case with you?

@patrick I do deal with guilt! and regret but in regards to the past I kind of have shameful thoughts of people in the past in like that way it feels like they hear what your thinking and such

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I think guilt combined with trauma can make one Sz. Just my personal opinion.

Traumatic brain injury when I was 12, personality problems / disconnected feeling and other effects after, sick at birth, small chance of living at birth , trauma by drug use, trauma by illness. Extreme religious guilt for my thoughts/past @ current actions. From what Iā€™ve heard schizophrenia can be caused by rejection at the fundamental years of your childhood. @Patrick

Iā€™m sorry to hear that @Cj56ā€¦

I had to deal with the guilt from an accidental death from over 2 decades ago. Not my fault, but at the same time it destroyed my life. Iā€™m still picking up the pieces to this very day.

I guess everyoneā€™s got a story to tell. Very few of us get through this life without some kind of hardship.

You sound like a survivor, though. Good for you! Keep on keepin on! :sunny:

@patrick I am sorry to hear about what you are dealing with still to this day. I hope in time things heal.

I guess in introspective I have some really deep guilt issues too.

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This illness is extremely difficult to deal with, thanks @Patrick hopefully you keep on shining :sun_behind_small_cloud: too :smile:

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You gotta live in the moment with this Sz affliction.

It can kill you if you dwell on the past. Fortunately, my little daughters keep me focused on ā€˜the nowā€™ most days, and Iā€™m learning to let things from my past drift into the background.

thanks for the advice, i think there are underlying issues with this madness and Iā€™m looking for a good therapist to help me with these scars. Having someone or something to focus on that you love could really help me in recovery. I guess I just need to learn to bury the past and let the past be the past.

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I feel like Iā€™m not in control of speech and movement sometimesā€¦ My ā€œvoicesā€ talk through me and itā€™s now coming out to other peopleā€¦ And my body seems to be separating from my mind somehowā€¦ Today I tried to not walk in the middle of the side walk and had to fight just not to drift backā€¦ Plus when I try and bend my fingers only certain ones move when Iā€™m telling myself to move them allā€¦

I can relate and from what Iā€™ve been experiencing from what I call it u just touched the water and havenā€™t gone in deepā€¦ Therapy helps but it can be hard to open up completely so if u do just try to be as open as possibleā€¦

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