Questioning existence

I don’t know why I exist?
Or for what reason?
And why am I such a burden?

I just feel like I’m not even a human. I feel like I just got landed on Earth for some reason for the means of being tortured by people, the society, and by my own thoughts. Why do I live?

If I didn’t exist, people would have been really happy by now. At least that’s what the voices tell me. If I didn’t exist, my mom doesn’t have to pay all those medical bills, go to the hospital with me every time and watch me struggle. My father doesn’t have to work that hard to keep up with me and worry about me. My brother doesn’t have to deal with me being so sensitive and being a brat.

The only reason why I’m holding on is because of my personal faith and for my family and friends.

But now I’m not sure if I have right to exist and torture people at the same time?

I’m seeing letters everywhere, as if people know that I’m schizophrenic. I watch a show or read a book and I see the letters ‘schizophrenia’ implanted on it, and it freaks me out. I am scared and I hate myself, and I hate my existence, I just hate my body- just everything. I guess I wasn’t meant to be happy. The news tells me about schizophrenia, as if it knows that I’m being watched. The voices are always thinking of me. Children aren’t even appearing to me anymore. They betrayed me and now all my voices are negative.

Maybe I should crawl in a hole and die. I don’t deserve to live.

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There are medications as well for depression you can take in conjunction with your anti psychotics.

Have you brought this up with your doctor?

Sending positive vibes your way! :sunny:

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Thank you. I’m not able to call my doctor so I’ve been taking depression meds instead.
I don’t know, I just don’t like myself anymore. It sucks.

How long have you been on AP’s? Your post suggests you are still experiencing fairly strong symptoms. When I first started on AP’s, my doctors hit me with a very strong dose to settle me. Maybe you need to tell the pdoc that you are still experiencing these symptoms and they might put you on a higher dose?

My depression lifted when I found the right med and dose (this took a long time though).

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I have been on an AP for 5 years, but I’m now on a new med. I’m on 10mg of blonanserin. It’s quite effective, but recently I’ve been down due to a recent psychotic break. I need to talk about it to my doctor but I’m worried that he’s going to tell my mom about it. My mom always asks me a million of questions and it always makes me uncomfortable.

I might be schizoaffective but doctors here in Korea rarely give out the sza diagnosis because they don’t know about it, so I’m stuck with schizophrenia + bipolar tendencies.

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Don’t be so strict to yourself.
Life is happening to everyone. No one deserves it or not.

Take it easy. You are almost through. Hang in there you will see better days. I trust you will sleep that bad stuff out. You feel like new when its over.

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^this

1515161615

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Ive always found existence weird aswell. Im already close to half way of my life span, im not about to end it because of some existential crisis even if im dealing with the craziest stuff atm.

Maybe tell your doctor and theyll give you something for those thoughts.

I seriously don’t believe in ‘dead air’ when we pass away.

I’m of the belief that we are always, perpetually alive in some form or another…questioning our life and surroundings.

In essence, I don’t really believe in death. I think it’s just another beginning.

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For the longest time i had belief that when we die we just fade to black and non existence.

However recently, i like to research paranormal stuff, ive learned that remote viewers, people who can see distance objects and hidden things, have peered into the afterlife at some point and found some interesting things. It was so fascinating learning about that stuff and why i started to believe there was something more to the afterlife instead of just non existence.

I am not worried about my future anymore. I am sure it will work out and gives us peace. Like going to bed and fall asleep.

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I’m not worried so much about the future anymore. I don’t really care about it anymore- I’m more at peace about that part.

But I just don’t want to hurt people anymore. I just want to take 50 pills and go to sleep forever… I just want to sleep. I feel like a massive burden and a nuisance.

Maybe things will get better, thank you :heart:
@anon39054230 @anon21561657 @Om_Sadasiva @anon99082702
Thanks friends- I’m not doing well today. Seeing things and thinking everyone talks about me.

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You aren’t a burden and you aren’t hurting anybody…that’s your affliction talking.

Your goal should be to take the proper medication…get healthier…then you can in turn look after the people in your life who are caring for you at the moment.

I’ve always felt if your goal is altruistic, it has a better chance of success.

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I want to give out to others, but I just feel like I just sit on top of people’s priorities. Like at this point I’m not sure if I’m helping, or just burdening other people.

I feel a lot of joy from helping other people. But now I just don’t know what the heck I’m doing.

When you find joy within yourself you are able to give joy to others. You are number one in your life. Obviously you are very tired. Give yourself a good break from everything. Now its a good time as we have to selfisolate. You gave joy and burned yourself out. You got to do it in balance.

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you’re fine as a person you just have to see yourself, i mostly trust on my demon to take control over my body to help me with life and it help i made up my own monsters, demons that fuel me they turned me into a sadistic, evil person i always leech for use from people i use people for my own benefits i break hearts to fuel myself and i know its bad but i don’t stop fueling my imagination and making the demons stronger making myself more of a monster that even the girls i’ve used call… to be honest with you i’m really just not being what i am because i hate the person i really am so i gave up my feelings for being a monster fueled by monsters i hope you don’t choose that way of life

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You shouldn’t be so hard on your self cuz one day your gonna get though this and me a contributing member of society

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You are not a burden, you are loved very much. The reason you are struggling so much right now is because you need a good antipsychotic med. Those terrible thoughts are due to that I promise you. Try to get help doing that, I know it’s hard, but that is the way you will feel better again. Once you stabilize that’s when you’ll feel much better. Try to explain to your mom that questions overwhelm you and ask her to take it slow. She wouldn’t ask so many if she wasn’t trying to help you. Take care and get well

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my psychosis was focused on this in the last half, very sad but true, the alternative was eternal lonely dark hell. imagine being in darkness on ur own for eternity , n then a new eternity of a different hell would start n so on

I think it was very mean of the voices as well as of the delusions createddd

wishing u to feel better :revolving_hearts:

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