My insight and knowledge are progressing. All I have to do is optionally write a senior thesis and then be done with my psychology classes. I’m already in a lab and going to write a thesis on psychotherapy.
However, the illness is progressing. I find myself overwhelmed with symptoms and vomiting out of anxiety. I had a full blown relapse earlier this semester and was put on zyprexa and made a B on a test because of it. Im off the zyprexa and just on geodon, xanax and propanolol again, that and prevacid for vomiting.
It’s getting worse. I wake up crazy every morning and then take my meds with breakfast. It’s just agonizing, the mornings are just insane.
But I am getting further in functioning and am on track to get into clinical PhD programs.
I sometimes cannot believe that this is my life, that I have this curse and somehow just do what I do regardless. This is all a great joke. I have one final left and I am not phased by it, I have an A in the class so far. I’m going to study for the GRE over winter break.
Im just pissed off I guess. I sometimes hate life. The nights when it all seems worth it aren’t frequent enough. Seeing my friends and reporting life going well, getting laid, getting my grades in school, getting bigger from lifting weights, what the ■■■■ is it worth when you’re ■■■■■■ to begin with?
I’m just frustrated. I had a long talk with my parents last night and I told them that the illness is progressing, that my therapist believes in neuroplasticity and that I can fight the progression with knowledge and insight, but that this endeavor is ultimately a joke, that the whole thing is just a joke, a chronic paranoid schizophrenic studying clinical psychology is just not a good joke.
It’s a bad joke. Every time I wake up, it’s back to insanity, I need the pills, all three of them, as soon as possible after waking up. It’s just pain.
I know a lot of you have remarked that I am doing well, well I am doing well, but I most certainly am sick.
End rant- everyone stay strong