Preparing for the unknown

Health and Recovery
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I finished my exam, and now I’m more free. I spent most of my night embroidering and in bed. I had so much work today, and today was a long day. I am a bit worried about the exam as the questions were difficult. I hope I didn’t fail it entirely.

Anyway, I’m preparing for the unknown. I’m moving to Canada to finish my degree, which I am excited about. I hope to change my degree so that I could work with kids who has mental health issues, or kids with disabilities. It would be a cool profession to have.

But I’m worried about my health going out of control if I start my studies. I’m sure that’s not likely to happen.

My mom keeps maintaining that schizophrenia is shameful and it should never be talked about. So, my parents maintain that I should keep it secret from my brother. So, I wrote him a long letter (which I will update once in a while) explaining everything from start to finish, just in case I die from dilated cardiomyopathy, a heart condition that I have a high risk of having. I have heart problems occasionally which right now is not bad. But it could happen any day.

If I die one day, he would get a chance to read it. I’m worried about him blaming my parents but it wouldn’t be fair for me to not tell him.

But otherwise I love life and will keep doing so, seeing the good side of everything, notice small things that makes me happy, and be grateful. During the few days that I’ve been gone, I realized that I was missing gratitude. I’m going to keep being grateful even though my heart is telling me to self-distruct.

Sending good thoughts to you guys!

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Good luck with everything! :slight_smile: I think you’ve got some great goals.

I’m glad you’re focusing on positivity - that’s something I struggle with, too. It’s hard but so worth it, I’m finding. :slight_smile:

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Heya! Yes, gratitude is a good attitude to have. I’m working really hard on it. Also, I try to remove myself from the CPTSD triggers as much as I can.

Yeah I agree. I try not to be sad about my genetic condition. My mom was telling me to not to dwell on it, but how can I not dwell on something so big? It just means that I have to love myself just the way I am. :slight_smile:

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In the recent 2 days or so, I had some worsening of intrusive thoughts.
I really hope that this is just temporary and related to some sort of flu I have.
I hope it goes away, and I may try to strengthen my defense against intrusive thoughts with supplements.
My situation is fickle, my future is uncertain but I am hopeful.

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Actually, my intrusive thoughts get worse when I’m physically ill. You are not alone. My future is the area of unknown but no one knows what will come about in the future.

I hope you are doing okay- stay strong!

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Physically I am doing reasonably well.

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Oh good! Pain is one of the triggers I have. It’s good that you are feeling reasonably healthy physically.

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