Potato king

This fractured view of the world narrows
The prison of my mind holds me hostage
Demanding ransom with no intentions of release…i long to be free but sadly i can do naught but watch…watch as my world burns…watch as i torture those i love with fear and worry…watch as i lose it all and watch as the pieces turn to ash around me…
My hope has given way to fear…my lust for life has turned into a longing to disappear. To vanish into the wilds and set my loved ones free…i have lost my spark of ambition there is very little drive left in me…

i am haunted by the past…ignorant of the present… The future seems an obscure concept bleek and lonely…with only these dam voices to keep me company…the mirror shows what should be me…but the reflection feels false…am i still in there?..where am i hiding? why did i leave? I will never know the answers…hell most days i forget the questions…

In these fleeting moments of semi clarity that are so far and few between…i feel anger but have no target for this hatred…i feel lost grasping at the sand as it slips through the hour glass…hoping to catch a moment and latch onto it… only to watch as it slips through my fingers and disappears into the void…

i feel alone… the purest most intimidating and ugly form of the phrase…i have people around me but im losing the ability to connect with anyone on even the most basic of levels and to make it worse im pushing them all away…the ties that bind are being severed… i have the terrible feeling im the one with the saw working tirelessly to ensure my free fall into the void…

its a gut wrentching feeling to wish for death…to wish for nothing more…to close the book because thats all she wrote…i keep this monster locked down deep…knowing the ripples of pain that would radiate through my soul mate and 2 children would be scarring deep and indefinite to say the least…becoming a shadow within them horrible and bitter sweet…it would be the most selfish act…with permanent negative side effects that i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy…but to say suicide doesnt cross my mind from time to time would be to deny one of the few things that still reminds me im human…everyone has flirted with this monster on their darkest of days…everyone…anyway…i refuse to add the stain of this act not only on my soul but most importantly the minds hearts of those around me…

■■■■ this turned into a weird godam…idk what…im gonna close this ■■■■ i promise just a little more…

Even through the darkest days this fire burns aways…dont push those who care away…this illness called life is hard enough for normies who dont have the added obstacles we schitzophrenics have to deal with…if sane normies cant do it alone…theres no fuxing way we can or should have to…you might think your sparring or protecting your loved ones…hell you might think they want you to disappear…but they dont…they dont want you to push them away…first off their people trying to make it too…who for whatever reason chose you to be on their team to try and make it…secondly they are just as lost as we are…so be patient and understanding…they have feelings and needs too plus dealing with one of us is no picnic. if their kinda upset they dont want you to disappear or die despite those nasty little voices who relish on fuxking with us…just give them a little breathing room i know id need a vacation having to deal with someone who does even a quarter of the stupid and crazy ■■■■ i do…

fuxking hell i cant wrap this up…

.just be happy you have someone who for better or worse sticks through it with you…dont ward off your support as some weird way of unburdening them of worring about your craziness…thats not how it works if anything they will be more fuxing worried and upset you owe them better than that…

no matter how shittah life is and how bleak the future looks hold onto your loved ones they need your companionship as much as you need their help to maintain a decent quality of life…thank your god, gods, fate or the random chance formula that you have someone that actualy worries about you and cares that your breathing…this sheeit exercise called life, especialy with this affliction is fuxing hard and painful and no one fuxking understands. Just be patient and open, will they understand completely? fux no…does it really matter they cant comprehend this illness?..fuxk no…personally im glad my loved ones cant relate to this crap… this sheeit sucks…but be glad they care enough to listin and love you enough to try…

. I know my gf checks on my posts sometimes…so thank you D i appreciate you and im sorry for the last rough month…i will never put you or our kid through having to bury me due to premature self inflected death…i love you…even through the darkest days, this fire burns always…thanks for keeping me and pushing my head back to the ground when i need it…

Holysheeit if you couldnt read all that im sorry…thanks to the few freinds ive made on here your support helps alot… and thank anyone who could force themselves through chapter 1 and 2 of my potato king book lol…this forum is wonderful and supportive…if we didnt care about and support our own sz people and their loved ones why would anyone else?..long live the potato cult…

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I read it all!!! :slight_smile:

Writting is a way to cope. Hope you’re doing better man.

Long live the potato cult!

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oh god there are cultists on here!?!?!?

man @darksith I think you got some work to do slaughtering these folk who take to false idols… you are the one and only master… [bows and then backs away into a dark corner]

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