this is just a bit of, well not a rant, but something like it…
As i sit here, in this incredibly comfortable bed, in a private room with wifi, in the outpatient wing, i find myself wondering why life works the way it does? I mean i get that life is something chaotic, that no matter how much we try we can never really control it, because the minute you get one thing to go your way something else goes wrong, or if not wrong, than in entirely the opposite direction you thought or intended.
I wonder what my life would be like if my grandfather hadn’t died when i was 16? would i have had better support during those first years after Sam died? Would i have ended up homeless for that five month span? And what if those things hadn’t happened? would i still be who i am now? Maybe its the meds they have me on while i am here (they wanted to see my reaction to a new method of delivery) but i feel like if i imagined it hard enough, it would come true.
But do i really want it to happen? Do i really want to change my life so much, and risk becoming someone i don’t know?
I have one more test in the morning at 8 AM and it will last about an hour, the i go home. I haven’t slept at all while ive been here, even though i feel so relaxed and easy, and the bed is so comfortable. The guy across the hall is pretty cool, in my opinion. He smiles at everyone, but i think he may be worse off than he lets on. He says hes just in for some testing on his depression levels, but he has this look in his eyes, not a dangerous look, not a sad look. Its not an emotional thing at all. its something i know i learned in college during a class, but i can remember what it was, it was something diagnostic.
I know it was important, that i should try to remember before the guy leaves in the morning. Something the doctors should have noticed, but it slips through my mind like an eel slips through the water. Wait…
The look i am thinking of is Ocular something, its a sign of some form of brain cancer or lesion. Should tell the nurse. or maybe its a delusion. Even if i am right will they believe me? I am after all here because i suffer paranoid delusions.
I will mention it to the nurse, she is coming for her rounds soon. I find myself wishing they would let us have our shoes…i get that shoelaces can be used for hanging, but this is an outpatient wing, not a psych ward. No one here is at risk for suicide.
I should try to get some sleep after she comes. I will also mention the lack of sleep to the doctor who asked me to try this new dosing method for Geodon. Patches don’t seem to work well. I am wide awake despite not sleeping for two days, and my thoughts are all over the place.