Poking the bee hive

There is a place here in Seattle called Pike Place Market. It’s a major tourist attraction and has been seen in movies. It’s a catacomb of little shops and odd places and street performers and street venders and it’s usually 10,000 tourist packed into a three block area.

For some reason, I want to go. It’s like I KNOW this would be bad. The pace of the place is frantic. The people packing in every 200 square foot shop is dizzying, the miss marked direction signs are confusing and frustrating, the noise level can knock you off your feet. The fish throwers vs. the street performers can get disorienting.

But I sort of want to go to see if I could take it. Could I walk through there and be OK? The sis doesn’t want to go. She said she would rather give up a toe then walk through the Tourist market ever again. She also says that we don’t need
I :heart: Seattle coffee mugs or Space Needle ear rings.
I know I’d be setting myself up for some major over stimulation. But I want to see how bad it might be. Would I be OK?
The kid sis thinks I’m poking the bee hive.

I was wondering, what do other people do to test the waters…

To test the waters like this, I set VERY LOW expectations for myself.

Like I’ll go, but only stay 5 minutes. If I’m ok after 5 minutes, I’ll stay for 10 more. Then 20. And so on.



I may have to agree with kid sis. I understand wanting to test the waters but are the possible consequences worth it? Sometimes when things are going good we seem to have a human tendency to want to allow old habits to come back so we do things that could trigger that. Remember what just happened in that store you hadn’t been in for a couple of years. Start smaller. Try getting your feet wet instead of jumping in. :wink:

That is a good approach. Thank you. I’m willing to give it a try. I want my sis with me in case I do get a bit knocked off my feet. But she’s actually sort of freaking out about the idea right now. I’m the one with SZ, but she’s acting afraid of the place.

@BarbieBF your right, the brain is so sneaky. I just asked the kid sis why she hates the place so much. She said she remembered that I would take her there when I was going to score drugs. I would sit on the far pier and drink or light up take a hit and she would be left to wander the market alone. After yesterday being as roller coster emotional as is was, I’m now wondering if it’s a craving that’s making me think I should go there. Sneaky brain…

If it’s not too personal… Do you ever find your brain getting sneaky?

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I personally think it’s human nature for our brains to be sneaky. Well not so much our brains but our instincts. I’m not a psychologist so bear with me. I look at myself and question my intentions pretty much most of the time. I understand that it is part of human nature to usually want what isn’t good for us. Mostly just because it feels good at the time and that is what motivates the human race. To do things that feel good. To test ourselves or to compare ourselves. I’m 11 years clean of crack cocaine but I still know that that addiction is in me and if I’m not careful I can put myself into a situation where that addiction may be able to rear it’s ugly head and so “Hey I’m still here.” It’s still there because it felt good and/or allowed me to hid from my own feelings. I accept that I’m human and that a part of me will sometimes want what isn’t good for me. I still get cravings. Sometimes I even dream about it. When that happens I acknowledge it and reassure myself that I’m better then that and deserve the better live that I now have. I’m proud of you for recognizing that what may have been motivating you was old habits. That’s pretty huge. The are called habits because they become an automatic responses or actions that we do without thinking. Basically on instinct. So unfortunately some of our basic instincts are not always in our own best interest. When things are going good then that seems to be when old habits want to come back even stronger. I think it’s because deep down we question our own worth. A part of us says we don’t deserve the good that is happening. Or I know how to handle bad but I don’t know how to handle good. There is security in the known. Insecurity in the unknown. So yes when I feel the urge to act or do certain things, I ask myself why? Why would I want to visit someone who I used to smoke crack with? Well because my addiction is looking for a way to live again. Sorry I know that is not really what you asked but I think I answered the question behind the question. :smile:


My assignment from my old shrink, the one whos semi-retired now who i saw in high school, was to poke bee hives. I have started socializing with girls, (going out to zoo today.) It’s the one thing I didnt do well even when I was healthy, before scz. I dated a girl and we got along well during my senior year of high school, but i was in the prodromal phase and feared physical contact with her, and so i remember she dumped me for a more aggressive party-hard guy who I actually still hangout with sometimes. I kinda felt like well duh she dumped me, i didnt kiss her after spending tons of time with her.

Anyways, I still do things that I think are challenging- Like doing things I wouldnt have before my meds started working. I can go out in crowded places and I dont have psychotic symptoms from it. One weird slip up happend at thanksgiving dinner though, i ate way too much and my meds didnt get absorbed well and I felt paranoid and hallucinated a little at the dinner table. My family has two health professionals though, and they noticed and made small talk with me to make sure i was ok.

The worst is that you can leave, its a free country! The best is feeling like you’ve conquered your fear, something i am addicted to. I still lift weights because I feel scared before I do, but I beat the weights every time and it does wonders for my ego, makes me feel like I can handle another episode if/when one happens again.

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I’ve been pondering this as the kid gets new glasses and I’m starting to agree with the not knowing how to handle the non crisis times. Everyone on my crisis team is ready for crisis, but it’s the day to day stuff that I need help with. I do get a little anxious about this long stint of stable. I’m not sure what to do with it some times.

I’m also fighting an over inflation in thinking I think. When I’m feeling weak, there is NO way I would want to try and drink. But in a manic phase, I’m thinking “One drink? Just one little drink? I can handle that… right?” Wrong. Oh so wrong. This would be the worst time to go for it. I’m not alone, and I’m using my strength to try and concentrate on something else. The brain is just working the angles.

It’s so new to me to crave when I’m feeling up. I usually only crave when I feel really horrid.

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I have a problem with alcohol. I was a raging alky for a while. I dont drink now at all because Im on a benzo, and ive heard that you can die if you drink on them. I do miss how much fun it was to go get wasted and get stupid with my friends. The craziest drunk thing i ever did was run through a thorn bush, twice. I was so drunk I just laughed and felt a little sting, but my friends pointed out that my shins were covered in bleeding cuts, LOL

Epic stories of me drunk, still come back to haunt me to this day. Waking up states away from where I went to bed, things in my car that I don’t remember buying, freaking out that I drove my car in that condition… one girl told me I got her pregnant… (didn’t after all… but scared none the less) There was a time it seems like I must have been naked in public more often then not because there are a lot of stories that friends tell that seem to have that in there somewhere. I taught my kid sister to drive when she was 12 or 13 so she could be my DD. I was drunk when I taught her.

The only thing that could stop me is the physical inability to get my hand to my mouth. Alcohol poisoning wasn’t that uncommon for me. To this day people I have no idea who they are will walk up to me and say… "wow, J your still alive, do you remember that one huge party where you did… " I have to admit I don’t even know who they are, much less remember some party. I am so glad to be sober.

Now that I’ve typed that all out, I’m glad I did… I am SO glad to be sober. Looking at this is making something in my brain say… you’re craving a drink why???