Please help... I really need help

I thought the constant paranoia and obsessions were gone. I know that I’m gay. It’s a fact I am and I realize it. But I can’t help but doubt everything especially this and I thought it was gone it’s in my head 24 7 for weeks all hours of the day. It’s the government’s fault and it’s my fault. I’m not schizophrenic. I told all my doctors that I’m just faking schizophrenia but I know I’m just paranoid but I really just don’t know anything anymore. If I’m faking then I definitely need to kill myself because I would be even worse scum. No no no. I’m not faking. But what if I am? I’m not i’m not i’m not. I just have to stop this. I’m constantly paranoid about everything. I wish I could stop it. I am told that I heard voices but I can’t remember because of the medicine. I must have faked them. I know I did but I know that I didn’t. I KNOW I DIDN’T. I wish this would stop. I go through this every day. I’m really tired of this. I can’t be faking. What if the doctors and everyone are wrong? What if I’m just such a good faker that no one knows. What if I’m just making all this up and I’m faking it? No it can’t be. But at the same time I know I am faking it. I’m planning everything and manipulating it all. I know it and I don’t know it. I know I’m not. I don’t know.

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The doctors and everyone said I’m not faking but how do I know they’re right?

firstly you are safe on here. :heart:
take a deep breath…and know some one cares.
if you can maybe contact a family member who can help you, or a friend, or your therapist…someone you can trust.
killing yourself is not the answer…
look after yourself.
take care :alien:

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That’s the worst thing to do. I can’t. They don’t know what to say. They don’t know.

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So what if you’re faking it. Just accept yourself as you are: faking or not faking. You are a person worthy of love and support. We have the same illness as you. We want to help. Please tell someone in your life that you are feeling this way. Tell them that you need to go to a hospital.

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as sz we can imagine alot;

  1. that we are not ill…etc
    if you are unhappy with the diagnoses…get a second opinion.
    in the meantime stay safe.
    take care :alien:
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Be yourself only…
you are who you are so find a road to walk on and stay on it.

Powessy

I can’t be faking it. It’s a fact that I’m not. I know that I’m not. I just don’t know if I can trust that the doctors saying I’m not means anything because I don’t know if I can trust the doctors. I’m feeling a bit better now. I know I’m not faking… but this paranoid (as in sh** that isn’t true) won’t get out of my head. I don’t know if it matters that I know I’m not faking schizophrenia because I will probably go right back into the same delusion like I do with most of them. It’s futile. I’m just listening to pounding music. These intense patterns remind me that I need to help myself by producing for the world in my own way. But you’re wrong. If I was faking (I’m not) I would definitely kill myself. I just remember being obsessed about it and having a fantasy of being schizophrenic but I actually turned out to be schizophrenic. (I used to think I had superpowers as a kid and maybe adolescent and I’m paranoid all the time but other people would label me as extremely paranoid about other things but I’m not. I have a lot of the symptoms and it’s a fact that I’m not faking and I know that I’m not faking. I just need to stop being so paranoid and obsessing. I just don’t know how.)

I can’t go to the hospital. That would be horrible. They take away everything and monitor everything when I get right out of the hospital.

Good, you know this is paranoia and that’s progress.

Being monitored is not that bad. You are just around people who are looking out for your well being. If you don’t feel like your in any danger you don’t have to go. I would recommend telling someone other than us about your symptoms.

The only way to get rid of the paranoia and obsessions is to find the right medication. I had a real problem with paranoia, but the medication I’m on stopped it cold. I hope that you find medication that will do the same thing. This is why I am telling you to tell your psychiatrist.

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way.

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I could go way into the physiological nuts and bolts of a belief-and-resulting-stress-induced panic attack, but suffice it to say that I would push a C note out on the table to assert that this is what’s going on here.

What matters is that you follow some of the excellent advice already provided and stare down the thoughts as “just thoughts” and the emotions as “just neurochemically induced sensations.”

Believe me (because I have Been There and Done This):

  1. Your experience seems utterly real, but it is very likely (unconsciously, meaning “not purposefully”) manufactured by a very worn out central nervous system with a neurochemical imbalance between the two branches of the autonomic (“fight or flight”) nervous system that has left your brain temporarily unable to see, hear and feel what actually is.

  2. It’s seems probable that excessive moral perfectionism is in play.

  3. The mental health professionals at your clinic will understand what’s going on if you know what the terrorizing experiences are back of what sounds like (probably, one cannot be certain from this distance) and eruption of post-traumatic stress syndrome.

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Faking something is an idea that gets into our heads from others who fail to see the truth about our suffering and that we really need compassionate help. Be strong, my friend. Be strong. It’s okay to not be normal or well. It’s okay to say you have you have schizophrenia. This is a step towards wholeness, wellness, and feeling better. My parents like to deny my pain and say it is all in my head. But, it is all in me. Each day the sun shines a little brighter. Each shall for you. Please take care and find the very best help you need. Do not be ashamed or scared. Know Love and Spirit will guide you.

Hey Fox.

Really sorry to hear you are suffering. I had an appointment with my doc yesterday. He said I had a real problem because I wAsnt leaving my house and socialising. I got a bit defensive and said the stimulation of being around people caused too much stress. My doc went on to say this wasn’t true and was likely to destabilise me and cause a relapse.

I got quite upset as we explored this. Eventually it came to the real problem I had - I finally admitted to the doc my belief that if I was caught socialising I would lose all my benefits and have to get a job. I was afraid to admit this because I was worried that deep down I might be purposefully forcing myself to be miserable due to my belief if I got happy I would have to work.

I said to my doc (who I have only had for a relatively short time) “be honest. What do you really think about my case?” I was very hesitant about asking this in fear of him saying I was a malingerer. But I am glad I did. He said I was a young man who had suffered from unstable poor mental health for many years and had tried so many different meds, including clozapine, that what I was on now objectively was the most stable I had been in decade.

He then said no one was expecting me to look for work - it would cause a relapse. This really addressed my doubts of whether or not I was actually I’ll or just work shy. I told him I live in an isolated village and the only place to socialise is the local pub. He then said “Look if it makes you feel better I am PRESCRIBING you to go to the pub and meet people”. He was emphatic about this. Sounds weird but this is exactly what I needed to hear.

So what I am trying to say is I think I relate to some of your doubts. I worried a great deal about being a work shy malingerer who is not really ill. Think this is a part of the mental illness. It is not like missing a leg where simply looking in a mirror can reassure you of your disability. Self doubt and self critical thoughts are par for the course. This is another horrible aspect of the illness.

Sorry for the long post but I hope it helps to ease your thoughts. J

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My voices tell me I’m a fake.

I can see one thing that you can change and that’s that depressing dark gray avatar with the big “F” May be you could find an avatar with some colorful fruit instead.

What would be your purpose in faking schizophrenia? If the doctors are saying you’re sz you’re probably not faking. I wouldn’t worry about things like the purity of your motives. There are mixed reasons behind lots of things that people do. Even if you were saying you’re sz in order to get disability, which I doubt, it’s not like you would get a lot of money for it.

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Been awhile since you posted this. Are you feeling a little better about yourself?

Schizophrenics can be normal … in part… while a part of us is not. So part of you would appear to be faking it while another part may well be suffering. They say that most of us are like that. It’s like my back is bad but my ears work OK. I use the good part of my brain to help the other not so stable part, but they both represent the individual that I am.

Hope you are feeling better now.

The important thing is to stop being hard on yourself - we are all imperfect, and thats OK. Just get treatment for the things that are bothering you. Talk to your doctor, tell them honestly what is bothering you and then move on with enjoying your life.

Don’t give up - things get better.

Mine did too! I thought I was the only one. But I can’t remember them at the same time. But I remember suffering from that. The strange thing is that I love and take pride in things that even the voices would never say and everyone else would say is “horrible” but I can easily justify.