Please don't disappoint me

My mom is really disappointed that I don’t read that often. She says reading will help me to become a better person. She told me, “Please don’t disappoint me like your brother.” She told me that I am spending too much time online talking to my friends and I do nothing to help myself for a better future.

I can’t tell her why I can’t read. Although I like reading from time to time, I feel 0 motivation and I am so exhausted beyond measure because of my physical condition and I’m so so so tired. I am fighting a monster greater than my own and my body is destroying itself. I don’t know how I can fight this because my mom is greatly disappointed in me and I feel like I’m just a big shame.

I know that she’ll never understand this physical condition because she doesn’t have it, and she just sees me talking to people. But I’m battling suicidal thoughts everyday because my pain is so severe. I act like I’m completely fine and she gets really upset and sad when I’m in pain. I feel like I need to fake it until I make it.

I just don’t want to create trouble and I would rather die than making my mom disappointed. I am letting down my family big time and I’m just creating too much financial burden on them. I’m just so overwhelmed and I don’t know how I can mitigate this struggle. But I have to act like everything is 100% ok or my family will collapse.

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I dont think reading automatically makes you a better person. You work hard, I think you deserve to take a break every once in awhile. University is tough, try not to be so hard on yourself everyone struggles with motivation to a degree, moreso if you have a mental illness and a physical disability on top of that

Hang in there, youll be ok

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It sounds like your Mom, God bless her, wants a better life for you. But she just doesn’t understand what you’re dealing with.

Surely she must understand you’re already struggling. Is there some way you could get that across to her? If you write it out in a letter, it gives you a chance to choose your words very carefully.

Really just a suggestion. I just hate to see you struggling like this

I tried. She said she understands that I’m struggling, but I can’t keep idling myself.

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Honestly you are very hard on yourself.
Give yourself a break!

I’m trying, but it feels like people around me want me to work harder. I don’t know what I need to do to appease them.

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Try not to let what others think of you affect you.

I know it’s easier said than done.

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