I seem to be stuck in this perpetual loop. I spend some time (weeks, months, years) obsessively pursuing something, some kind of personal project or goal or whatever, thinking/worrying all the time about it and not sleeping much, but it’s all just inertia from one impulsive moment that got me to start it, and I just cling to it and make it a point to not question it because I know new motivation is hard to come by. Then at some point I get too tired and see that there was never really a point to it. I toss it aside forever and just sleep a lot or whatever for who knows how long.
Ideally as far as I’m concerned I’d just play video games and watch TV and that’s what I’d do with my life. I don’t think there’s any meaning to life other than passing the time, so in theory I’m perfectly fine with that. Doing those things is easy enough, but still, enjoying it is easier said than done. My mind keeps looking for meaning where I don’t believe there’s any to be found. Humanity doesn’t feel like a fantasy worth fighting for, which makes most fiction content unrelatable. And I seem to be hopelessly as goal-oriented as I am unable to have consistent goals. “What am I doing this for” is kind of a stupid question to ask, when simply passing the time (and hopefully getting my brain to shut the be quiet for a moment) is the goal. Silly brain still wants to know the answer though.
Over the years the frequency, length and intensity of those obsessive periods has decreased a lot, and overall I think that’s good, especially for my physical health. But then the question remains: what do I even do with my time? I “should” be doing something, and whatever mystery thing it is that I “should” be doing, it’s not whatever I actually am doing, assuming I’m doing anything (which I guess most of the time I’m not, though it’s hard to keep track of how much nothing I do). I should ideally have an income, that’s for sure, but that’s not a short-term concern, and vaguely worrying about it does nothing to solve anything (and if I had an income I’d be worrying just the same about maintaining it anyway, or about something, as I’ve always have).
…And I’m back to that square one that I’m so familiar with. I’m asking strangers on the internet about there being any point in thinking about my thinking of there being a point to things, and I’m thinking if there’s even a point to asking this. Yep. Why the why? Why, because. That’s the drill.
Any thoughts, tips or any personal progress of your own with this kind of thing?..