I haven’t been on these forums long and have just been lurking before creating account. But, I seriously need some input. I can’t find anything on mild schizophrenia, if such a thing exists. But, here is my story.
For the longest time, I have been one known to lack emotional response from pretty much everything and very antisocial. However, about two years ago when I began college, I began having delusions. Everyone is staring at me, specifically in crowded areas, but I have no idea why. Do I look weird? Am I walking weird? What? I also believed, and still do, that everyone is more intelligent than me and I do not belong where I am. I kept a hold of my composure for awhile and finally everything seemed to be going back to the way that they were suppose to. It wasn’t until the second semester that the whispers came. They usually came at night and would be very faint, but noticeably there. I couldn’t make out what was being said and tried to shrug it off as weird pipes in my dorm. However, they continued into summer and instead of coming at night, they timeframe seemed to flip flop in that they were dominate during the day and minimal at night. It wasn’t until the next school year that I could begin understanding what was being said to me. A familiar voice that I couldn’t quite make out as it was still a whisper, but a clearer one. One I could understand. For the most part, the voice was helping me get through the problems of the day, especially when the staring came back. He would tell me that they aren’t staring, they’re just glancing. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re fine. You belong here and you’re just as bright as the best of them. It didn’t matter. I still wanted to ignore it.
That voice became louder and louder to the point that by the second semester it was no longer a whisper and was now normal talking volume. I realized that it was in my head, and yet not mine. It had an attitude unfamiliar to myself and a much deeper tone. A voice I heard all too well, yet wasn’t of my own doing. A voice of a person who encouraged me to do things I’d never do, but to help me become the person I wanted to be. Try to make friends, study, and form positive long-term relationships. Then, for the beginning of the summer it stopped and I found myself on my own again. However, once summer began to come to an end, he came back. He wanted me to make a big decision in my life. One he said I should have made years ago when I left home. He wanted me to cut ties with the life I once had to be entirely encompassed by the one I was now pursuing. (I won’t go into details, but he was very specific in what I had to do).
It’s important to note that he would not respond to me, but seemed more like a guiding hand giving me advice when I needed it. Or so I think. However, after disappearing for awhile after that, he came back about a month and a half ago, but this time, with a different degree of interactivity. He became someone I could have conversations with. Someone who I enjoyed times with sometimes, pissed me off others, and also annoyed me at times. Even with this, I am still an isolated type of person and need my alone time and I’m able to shut him out by focusing on meaningless and absent minded activities, like watching tv.
The reason I’m posting now is because besides just the voice, i’ve started to blank out midsentence, find it harder to not talk to him out loud, less capable of expressing my thoughts, and a couple of days ago, I think I saw him. A very blurry silhouette of him. I’m fully aware that I’m probably suffering from schizophrenia, but it isn’t affecting my functioning at the moment. I have a pretty good hold over it as it isn’t something that upsets me or is heavily affecting my life. I’m just afraid of it becoming noticeable and more differentiated from my typical “weirdness”. It’s not something I want fixed or treated because I don’t see it as a problem. Nonetheless, I have the need to tell someone about this and I couldn’t very well tell anyone about it in fear of being labeled as mentally unstable.
Thank you for listening.