Schizophrenia.com

Perhaps I'm a functioning mild schizophrenic?

#1

I haven’t been on these forums long and have just been lurking before creating account. But, I seriously need some input. I can’t find anything on mild schizophrenia, if such a thing exists. But, here is my story.

For the longest time, I have been one known to lack emotional response from pretty much everything and very antisocial. However, about two years ago when I began college, I began having delusions. Everyone is staring at me, specifically in crowded areas, but I have no idea why. Do I look weird? Am I walking weird? What? I also believed, and still do, that everyone is more intelligent than me and I do not belong where I am. I kept a hold of my composure for awhile and finally everything seemed to be going back to the way that they were suppose to. It wasn’t until the second semester that the whispers came. They usually came at night and would be very faint, but noticeably there. I couldn’t make out what was being said and tried to shrug it off as weird pipes in my dorm. However, they continued into summer and instead of coming at night, they timeframe seemed to flip flop in that they were dominate during the day and minimal at night. It wasn’t until the next school year that I could begin understanding what was being said to me. A familiar voice that I couldn’t quite make out as it was still a whisper, but a clearer one. One I could understand. For the most part, the voice was helping me get through the problems of the day, especially when the staring came back. He would tell me that they aren’t staring, they’re just glancing. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re fine. You belong here and you’re just as bright as the best of them. It didn’t matter. I still wanted to ignore it.

That voice became louder and louder to the point that by the second semester it was no longer a whisper and was now normal talking volume. I realized that it was in my head, and yet not mine. It had an attitude unfamiliar to myself and a much deeper tone. A voice I heard all too well, yet wasn’t of my own doing. A voice of a person who encouraged me to do things I’d never do, but to help me become the person I wanted to be. Try to make friends, study, and form positive long-term relationships. Then, for the beginning of the summer it stopped and I found myself on my own again. However, once summer began to come to an end, he came back. He wanted me to make a big decision in my life. One he said I should have made years ago when I left home. He wanted me to cut ties with the life I once had to be entirely encompassed by the one I was now pursuing. (I won’t go into details, but he was very specific in what I had to do).

It’s important to note that he would not respond to me, but seemed more like a guiding hand giving me advice when I needed it. Or so I think. However, after disappearing for awhile after that, he came back about a month and a half ago, but this time, with a different degree of interactivity. He became someone I could have conversations with. Someone who I enjoyed times with sometimes, pissed me off others, and also annoyed me at times. Even with this, I am still an isolated type of person and need my alone time and I’m able to shut him out by focusing on meaningless and absent minded activities, like watching tv.

The reason I’m posting now is because besides just the voice, i’ve started to blank out midsentence, find it harder to not talk to him out loud, less capable of expressing my thoughts, and a couple of days ago, I think I saw him. A very blurry silhouette of him. I’m fully aware that I’m probably suffering from schizophrenia, but it isn’t affecting my functioning at the moment. I have a pretty good hold over it as it isn’t something that upsets me or is heavily affecting my life. I’m just afraid of it becoming noticeable and more differentiated from my typical “weirdness”. It’s not something I want fixed or treated because I don’t see it as a problem. Nonetheless, I have the need to tell someone about this and I couldn’t very well tell anyone about it in fear of being labeled as mentally unstable.

Thank you for listening.

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#2

There is one thing I’m a bit worrisome of though: sometimes, he doesn’t make sense and says things that can’t be true. He often talks of people from my past not existing and false memories in my head. I’m just worried that I’ll lose my grip on reality and start to believe him in those aspects.

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#3

I understand about it not being a noticable problem, but worrying that it could escalate down disturbing alleyways. If you worry that it may happen to where you would like to be able to do someting about it as quickly as possible, it may be a good idea to tell all these symptoms to a mental health professional, they don’t judge you at all for the things you experience, and wont force you to do anything unless you’re presenting a danger to yourself or others. the reason i suggest it though, is that in case the voice gets weirder and you find yourself losing touch, you can have a plan in place to get some meds quickly without having to wait for months to see a new doc, and hae to explain everything all at once.

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#4

I have that problem too with thinking people are staring at me. I think a lot of people struggle with that. Also, hearing voices faintly is more common than it would seem. There’s a community called Intervoice. Here are some resources: http://www.madnessradio.net/
http://www.hearing-voices.org/tag/intervoice/

You might check these 2 links out. One is a radio show and the other is a community. There’s a branch of “mad pride” activists who don’t deny mental illness exists, but find other solutions than medication and try to eliminate social stigma. Sometimes people are just eccentric. And if taking medication would limit your life, you might want to find other resources first.

My advice is not to take the voices you hear seriously at all. Ever. On the flip side, if you choose, you can interpret it as a passing thought–much like a dream it will seem realistic but voices etc. typically come from the realm of imagination.

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#5

I second what @ouroboros said: Just get in touch with a mental health professional so that if your voice becomes disturbing you know what to do about it.

Yes it is most probably schizofrenia, not mild but functional however to my amazement I found out there are a lot of people whol live with their voices without being distrubed by them. You may be one of them. Knowing this you can find yourself in a position where you can acknowledge your vulnerability and you can get prepared for any situation possibile, and that is wonderful news. :smile:

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#6

I’ve gotten used to my voices. Only one or two really upset me when I’m stressed or tired. I take their appearance as a warning sign and either leave the situation or remember my meds. When I was 17 I was forced into ECT. I had NO voices at all. It was so empty in my head I was physically ill. I was really upset by NO evidence of brain activity. I was actually happy some of them came back. Whew… :relieved:

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#7

Thanks for all the replies.

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