Sometimes I like talking with my mother’s husband about my problems, because he doesn’t believe a lick of what my pdoc thinks. He doesn’t think there is anything all that wrong with me, and he will partake in mocking my pdoc with me when I am in a really bent, defiant mood.
The other night I shared with him that my pdoc has added autism to the list, along with SZ and bipolar, and he rolled his eyes and looked at me like, “Really?”
It’s kind of weird because invalidating people are both a trigger and a boon for me. On one hand growing up in a very invalidating environment means that people who are invalidating have about a 90% chance of pissing me right off, really bad.
But then there are also times when I just want to escape reality, and these sorts of people are like a little mental Ativan.
Most of the time I avoid discussing such things with him, because I know it’s probably bad for me. He’s the sort that would encourage me to defy my pdoc and do whatever I feel like doing, emotionally. He was even all-for the idea of me faking a suicide attempt to get a different diagnosis, and it turned out he was completely serious. That sort of attitude can’t be good for a person with MI.
But at the same time it’s like whenever I’m mad about having so much wrong with my brain, I know I can count on him to agree with me that my pdoc is full of it.
Do you use him to vent about how wrong your pdoc is when you are certain you’re bpd?
It all sounds so dysfunctional
I have no idea what to tell you honestly, take your meds, avoid talking to him about your mental health and talk to your therapist about it. If he is such an influence on you it can go pretty badly if you’re in a worse shape in the future.
Yep I know I should stop discussing it with him. Half my posts online are more or less meant to help me cement what I already know, like to help bring it more into reality. I guess this is one of those posts. I feel starved for someone to talk to about my issues, often have to try to stop myself from just blowing up forums with tons of ■■■■ posting, and he’s the only one in my personal life who is ever interested, even if he’s not interested in a good way.
The crappy part is that I know I’m encouraging the bad behavior, I need to stop practically inviting him to encourage me to stop my meds, even if it feels good in the moment. Last night he was explaining to me that when he stopped his ADHD meds, he didn’t even notice a difference, that they were basically like sugar pills. I knew what he was really getting at.
So there I was, in the hospital thinking I was God, taking meds and asking about them. And this voice kept saying “sugar pills”. I thought I was taking placebos, that everyone was taking placebos. So when I got out of the hospital, still heavily deluded, I was home alone and started jumping and singing “Sugar pills, sugar pills” because I thought I could communicate telepathically to the other people in the hospital and they would riot. I actually feel like an idiot now and I’m glad the pills work.
Yeah I feel like it’s kind of ironic. I used to be a lot more outward-acting when it came to my symptoms, but I was punished and rejected for it every time. So I learned how to better hide everything. Now the way I “present” is a lot more passive. Like my self-care will be down the toilet, I don’t do anything, have no life and am a paranoid recluse, but that’s the way they prefer it, and now they see it as proof that I don’t have any issues. UNLESS they are arguing with me about something, in which case they blame everything on me being crazy. Go figure lol.