I have been writing to my husband while he is at work.
Here is what I wrote: (Denise is my psych nurse practitioner)
Feeling really confused today. For a few minutes I feel better than
yesterday. Then it cycles and suddenly my thoughts get really
disorganized and I feel worse. I feel like someone is stealing my
words every time I think something. But there’s no one else here. I
just feel confused. Then I feel better again, then worse. Mostly
worse.
It’s not my mood cycling. It’s the invega not working as good I
think. Today is Day 6. I hope it gets better. Will tell Denise all
this.
I am reading a young adult fiction library book that is really good.
I’m trying to convince myself that if I fill my head with those words,
they aren’t mine and can’t be stolen. But then I have a thought about
how the book is really good and I am gonna buy it on kindle, and then
BOOM, that’s two of my own thoughts to steal.
I know that doesn’t make sense. Gonna copy it in my journal and notes
for next Denise session when I go back downstairs. I am hiding in
the bedroom. Not in my closet because I don’t want the walls to
squash me to death and to make it easier to get my thoughts stolen.
Sigh. I am tired of being sick.
This is what my husband said:
Ack, that sounds like a nightmare. Maybe write your thoughts down if
you are worried about them being stolen, this way they are in two
places. Keep a notepad beside you, and soon as a thought comes like
that Kindle one for example, write it down.
If the thought gets stolen, they have to take it from two places, and
you are faster than they are.
Does this happen to anyone else? I have a huge delusion around both spoken and written words. Spoken ones physically assault me and my own thoughts get stolen. I don’t know if that’s a thing. I was starting to do a little better with my med increase yesterday after temporarily cutting the Invega dose (with my pnurse’s guidance, to address increased prolactin), but now I’ve backslid again.
What do you do to fix this? I want to get better.