just thinking about how out of it i was when i was first hospitalized. i felt like i had to pass the test for them to let me out. we were supposed to go to our rooms at night, can’t remember the time, maybe 9pm or 10pm. crazy me thought that if i showed my intelligence by not voluntarily walking in my cage by my own power, they would let me out. so i stood outside my room all night standing at attention. i also thought that if i was able to stand for 3 days and 3 nights they would let me out. so i did this for a couple days before they forcibly injected me with some drug that knocked me out for a good 10 hours.
so after that didn’t work, i thought maybe my doctor was to blame, i was obsessed with this standing and sitting thing, so when my doctor came to check on me. i asked her if she could sit down for a discussion, once she sat down, i said “you’re fired” haha. thinking i would get out then and that i had this power over her for sitting or “under” “standing”.
i don’t know why i was so out of it, thinking that if i just passed the test they would let me out. it also drove me to be vegan thinking that i was being punished for earthly suffering so i had to change my ways. but to no avail, as i stayed in the hospital for 4 months before they let me out.
yeah thats not all. i was being driven crazy by the english language. for example i thought it was better to be a “me” then a “you”. for example when someone would ask “how are you” i would get mad and say “me is good”. this was fueled by just about every pop song ever recorded and most prominantly john legend’s “all of me”. i thought i cracked the hidden meaning in the language, that a “you” was some kind of subhuman. and that “me’s” were superior. which was also probably fueled in communion at church, where they would say jesus commanded, “do this in remembrance of me”. i was totally out of it.
i thought the english language was some kind of secret contract between individuals that nobody ever thinks about.
To my understanding there is no test when you are in a medical facility for being mentally ill. I was in one one time and would rather not reveal what happened. I was later explained it was because I held all my emotions in when I had covid19 last Spring. I tend to do that. Please stay on meds and or get therapy. It is the best way to stay sane.