Out of the blue

I was sitting out on my parents deck late this afternoon when I began to think well maybe I am really being lied to…perhaps it really was all a conspiracy…I took off traveling at 13 and all this crazy unusual stuff happened and I came back and they sent me to have a lobotomy in order to get their “little boy” back…and other crazy scenarios like this…and how despite having lived and grown up I still feel like a kid…and that’s because they killed the part of my brain that allows personality to develop…thus nothing sticks…

Etc…etc…and so anyway I actually made the comment to my mother that I wasn’t convinced that I wasn’t being conspired against…and she goes “Oh not again!” as it had been years since she’d heard me say anything such as this.

It’s just so bizarre that I can go weeks and months and even years with no symptoms and not dwelling on my false memories…and then it comes back here and there. I’m fine though…it’s nothing I can’t rationally deal with. I was even at the worst of my illness able to seemingly turn it on and off…not literally in my head but it seemed this way to those who knew what I was going through. I never lost control. As out of control as my symptoms ever were…I was still the one at the wheel.

I guess this questioning of my memories may be just part of the process of recovery as there are wrapped up in all my false memories what were very real but forgotten memories…trauma. At times it feels as though my mind were blown into a million freaking pieces…it’s a wonder I’m as intact as I am I suppose.


Hmm… this memory thing is hard to deal with, and it is a personal thing.

You have made it day-to-day, and so will you in the coming decades.

One thing to comment though, whenever I am going to lose touch with the part of event or the person, the good and vivid memory of it will come back for awhile, then gone forever. I think this is the nature of how is the brain working.