Out of provence rn

I was trying to be partly creative and process and trying to understand what im going through right now with those posts i made yesterday.

Ive been just living in my terrible apartment for the past 6 years. And the last year has been particularly worse. I havent shaved or cut my hair really since a year. My mother passed just over a year ago, then her mother my grandmother shortly after. I just havent been the same since.

Now my dads brother died two days ago or three i cant remember. And i had to leave the provence and fly all the way across canada because i knew my dad couldnt do this alone. Even though i can barely take care of myself. Gosh even though i cant manage my own misrable life im trying to help and support other people. Hes got so much on his shoulders right now and i have to and want to help him. Wish i was more useful.

So we are now at my grandmothers my fathers mother. And she has dementia. We have to somehow get her back across the country or into a home. Hes just maxed on stress and theres only so much i am capable of. We did repair the radiator on his brothers car and ive cooked a few meals and i am able to communicate with my grandmother quite well.

Anyway. Its hard for me to be in public looking like i am nowadays. Unfortunately i really care what other people think of me. And theres not much i can do to change that other then act and look properly and say the right things. And its not just my hair but my weight. Being this way is partly everything that is good about me and partly everything that is rotten.

read some of this. Sherman, my fig house plant brightened up my room.
something living, you know?

I care what other people think of me especially since I used to get bullied so much. I feel kinda weird being out in public with a beard because I don’t have a good full beard and because I’ve been obese for years.

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