I am feeling guilty about something that I have to get off my chest. Sorry kid… I will make it up to you somehow.
I went into the kid sis’s room to turn off one of the many steampunk machine things she’s got in there and I found a book that looked like a huge old 1800 egyptian travel journal. I took it to read. We always borrow each others books. So, I’ve sat in bed on my time off an realized I’ve read her journal about her side of the story of life with me. It spans many years with old letters and items glued into it. It’s sad, funny and artistic.
Wow, I vaguely remember some of the stuff I’ve done. Other things I can’t believe that was me. Some stuff I am more then amazed that she was so OK with. There are so many other pieces of the puzzle in there. It’s changing my perspective about a lot of things. It’s hard for me to put this book down even though I shouldn’t be reading her journal.
She’s pretty hush about her side of my antics. She usually just says, “Oh, it’s not important now. You look so happy these days.” I wish she would open up and just let me know what it was like for her to grow up with me being who I was. It’s like reading about someone else even though I have a vague memory and definite scars from some of the events I’m reading about.
Have other people ever pondered what pieces of the puzzle other friends and family hold? Have others also been surprised by the vast difference in perception between what we see and what our caregivers and friends see?
Can I pose a hypothetical question? What if kid sis was to open up and tell you everything from her perspective? I’m not sure that it would accomplish anything except to add to your already too guilty conscience. Meaning that, I think, you need to let it go. Look to the wonderful future that you have happening right now. I know that’s easier said then done. What happened is no one’s fault.
I know my perception of things are a lot different then my son’s.
my wife reminds me sometimes of stuff i did , and at first i don’t believe her but she never lies.
i go wow ! really ! did i really do that or was i that bad, and then i end up saying sorry a lot !
take care
Surprised, I support you a 100% but I realy don’t think you should be reading her journal without her permission. Everyone’s entitled to privacy and EVERYONE has secrets that are no ones business but their own. And journals are where people keep secrets.Maybe she didn’t put down any secrets. But by reading her PRIVATE journal you might have discovered something that would’ve been embarrassing to both of you. And it might have even strained your good relationship. You know this. And I’m even a littler leery of you searching her room. Just my friendly opinion. In AA they taught me that verbal apologies are helpful but that the best way to say your sorry is by actions. Like not doing the same thing wrong again. i.e. modifying your behaviour. You talked about boundaries a little while ago. A boundary is not searching her room and not reading her journal. I’m sure (as a fellow addict) that you have done stuff when you were using that you are not proud of and you would not tell your sister. Shameful or embarrassing incidents. Extend her the same courtesy of not having to tell you EVERYTHING. Just my thoughts on the subject. No hard feelings of course.
Your correct of course. I am trying to be more respectful. I am going to tell her straight up after the finals. I am going to try to make it up to her. I’m also going to try stop going into her room.
I do have to say that with 4 older brothers my expectation of privacy really went out the window when I was younger. But now that I am almost 18. Having my room a little more secure would really ease my mind. Not that I have anything to hide, it’s just I would like to tell my news in my own time, in my own way.
I’m not angry and our friendship isn’t hurt by this. However this is slightly bitter/sweet news. The book you found is not MY actual journal. It’s a journal/scrapbook I made as a present for your Re-birthday. I’m glad you like it, I’m bummed you found it before it was all the way finished. I need to glue in the last two sections and finish binding it. Please don’t beat your self up about this. It was meant for you to read and look through eventually.
Actually, I have been in that position many times, where I’ve heard other people’s point of view about me and how they perceive me, and I had no idea how I was behaving in reality, from family to friends to acquaintances…and it helped me big time, I started to change my self and I succeeded in many aspects, I’m a better person because of knowing what they feel about me and how bad or good my behavior was, I wonder if I didn’t know what I knew then what will I have become, I still do try people how they really feel and perceive me so I can always improve in my self or explain so people might understand that I meant no harm…SurprisedJ I guess it can help you a lot to know those things and even talking about them with my sister…try not to blame each other, what’s past is past.
That was what I was thinking. That is why I’ve been trying to get my kid sis to tell my her perception of some of the past incidents.
There is a part of me that has been trying to let go of some of the past. I have to admit, I blows my mind that some of the stuff she was OK with. But as she said in a letter, she was 4,5, and 6 so she saw things differently then. So I am trying to get past my past so to speak.
