I committed myself one year ago this month for the 41st time, the 1st time in ten years. I have never been committed except a few times when I was too sick, I always commit myself. I had to go to the hospital, I’d run out of meds because I’d taken everything in two suicide attempts. I thought also that the hospital would be good for me so I could meet some people. I saw some tragic things, it was very violent place. It was no vacation, rather, a place I had to work to get out, though they keep no one long these days. They gave me a notebook and I did a lot of drawing and some writing. This helped me tremendously, though I had to use crayons. I acted out violently and assaulted a nurse, only the second time I’d done that in my many hospitalizations. Luckily no one was physically damaged, I don’t know what happened, I blacked out for a moment. I was immediately taken down by three large men and got an elbow injury which is just now healing. The charges were dropped. I’d rather be a good boy, I’ve just been there too many times. It wasn’t easier than being alone because people were screaming and it was too much for me. I don’t need to go back ever again, unless my brain is damaged somehow. It doesn’t help after 41 times and there is no long term hospitals that I could get into or want to. They just don’t do that very often anymore, it’s too expensive. Having to be stay out has enabled me to survive on my own. Being alone is a muscle but you develop it on the edge of a cliff. If you need to go to the hospital, I’ll just tell you that was the worst place I’d ever been because the people were so crazy and the other times were mostly nice experiences.
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