Not wanting to take meds, feeling nervous about going on Zyprexa again

have quit several APs most recently Geodon for bad side effects, went for a week feeling mostly wonderful, probably a mixed episode (I am SzA) so i want to retain the productivity and energy and clearness of mind but I KNOW it will either drop off into depression or continue into…well, psychosis I wanted to take partial D2 agonists like Aripiprozole but i cant afford them. so my next best option is to to take a high dose of olanzapine at night and regulate my insomnia,depression and voices, but the same time i wish i could find a drug that allows me more hypomaniac access (my subtype is biplar II) and that quenches my unusual beliefs, because i can trade productivity and feeling good for the anger and irritability. So i am returning to olanzapine without the seroquel which DEADED and NUMBED me to the emotional world for more thann a year in hopes olan. can keep me from the brink of universal collapse. I am afraid the side affects of this …and part of me wants to quit the seemingly interminable quest for right meds entirely…]]

Whatever you do, I wish you the best :slight_smile: