Not sure whether to see my GP

Hi everyone.

When I was 19, I was at university. Towards the end of my first year, I started suffering from what I now know as delusions. There were never any voices or hallucinations, just overpowering thoughts/impressions, instinctual, primal. I call them blips. I believed that I had to obey them or I or people close to me would die, or worse. They told me I couldn’t walk through doors, move in certain directions, talk to people, look at something or someone, put the kettle on, open a window, on and on, I bought food and had to throw it away. Just everything. It was constant and unrelenting. Hundreds of blips a day. As soon as I tried to get around one, another would block my path again. Over and over. It was horrifying, debilitating, and I was 100 miles away from anyone who could have helped me. Part of me knew I was ill and I tried to seek help from the university’s psychiatric staff, but they were never on campus when they were meant to be. I guess they didn’t take these things that seriously then. I crashed. I spent much of the next 3 years in a dazed trance of shock, confusion, guilt and dispair. I don’t know why I didn’t reach out to my family at the time, I guess I just didn’t realise what was happening and was just hanging on.

Over time, I got better. I finished uni. The questions and soul searching were still there but the blips stopped and I felt normal again. I focussed on putting together a career. I even tried to start my own company, which failed miserably, but I was back in the real world and loving being lucid again. Like waking from a nightmare.

in 2008, I had what I’ll call a relapse. Please don’t be offended if I’ve got terminology wrong, I’m just trying to communicate these things in a way that makes sense to me. For about 6 months, the blips came back and I fell apart again. I took time off work. I went to see my doctor, but I bottled out of telling her everything. It was horrible but wasn’t as severe as my first attack, and when it ended, I just hoped it was something I’d grown out of. I tried to put it all behind me, and put it down to work stress.

Nearly 10 years of being completely normal followed. I bought a house, changed job twice, I play guitar in bands, I scuba dived, I ski. And the memories faded, until late in 2017, when it came back. I saw the warning signs, but I didn’t think it would ever come back. 2 days after Christmas I crashed again. I’ve been fighting my delusions of 7 months now. The same blips, delusions, exactly the same as when I was 19. Sometimes it gets the better of me, sometimes not, but all the time it’s dark and scary, and a battle to do the simplest things. I think back to how a year ago, I didn’t have a care in the world. Now, everything is a fight with me yelling inside my head at things that aren’t real. Last week, I woke up crying and yelling at it, just wanting it to stop. I’ve caught myself behaving oddly and obeying, or at least trying to workaround the blips, again. I’m really scared.

I’m now 38, I’ve never sought medical help. I honestly thought this was behind me. I’m really worried that seeking help will affect my career, getting a next mortgage, being able to drive. I can function generally, I’m kind of doing ok, hanging on, but maybe that’s relative and a normal person would be horrified by my behavior. I know I should probably seek help and talk to my GP, but I’m petrified of what it will cost me if I am diagnosed. I don’t know what to do.

2 Likes

You Mightn’t have schizophrenia. But if you do the sooner you get diagnosed the better. You could end up thinking you can fly and jumping off a building otherwise.

I was diagnosed at the same age you are now.

I’d talk to your GP and he’ll refer you to a psychiatrist probably.

2 Likes

Some of what you’re describing in the first paragraph sounds like obsessive compulsive disorder.

I would strongly encourage you to consult a psychiatrist and have them evaluate you. Be candid about your symptoms so they can accurately diagnose you and come up with a treatment plan.

1 Like

6 posts were split to a new topic: Pencil symbol next to notification

This topic was automatically closed 90 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.