I find myself in a dilema most of you have probably already gone through…
Earlier, I met my best friends from saner times - after I walked away from the conversation we had, I realised I sounded mad - literally… but I don’the feel mad, but I am… literally… In thoughts, in reasoning - but every time, to me when am doing it - it doesn’t feel like madness… but it is madness; thoughts, reasoning everything.
I have this belief I really don’t want to let go of… it’s something I read in the bible 2 years ago when I was really crazy (right now it’s mad, 2 years ago it was crazy)… anyways, 2 years ago I read this bible verse, and in all honesty it’s the only thing that has kept me moving in this world of permanent disability(schizophrenia). The verse: Rev 3:4 -6, “Yet you have a few people in Sardis who have not soiled their clothes. They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy. He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my father and his angels. He who has an ear, let him hear what the spirit says to the churches.”
I mention that verse because of the word ‘soiled’. Night before I heard the word ‘‘stupid’’ being repeated over and over in my mind, I woke up with that word - soiled/clothes-. I once told those same friends I met, about this, and from their perspective they probably thought I was simply saying I sh1t myself while sleeping… only problem, it wasn’t sh1t I was looking at when I woke up, it didn’t even look like sh1t, but to me at the time, I thought it was… until I found the verse I mentioned, and the fact I only started hearing voices after that night - reinforced the verse.
I don’t even know why am telling you this… just a few minutes ago I was stressing over how mad I am to even believe such a notion. Things suck and it’s like there is no way out other than medications - which I last used 2 years ago. Probably won’t help me, but based on my current mindset, I might just stand a chance using them (another example of my mad thinking) you see, I’ve starved myself to the extent I don’t hear people speaking in my head, but I still hear my own messed up voices and the occasional unknown word being said out of the blues (might just be TV - but point is I don’t really hear people). Anyways, because of this - something I just thought of now while typing this- I might just be able to get rid of all the voices through medication. But I still can’t stand the idea of always having to take a pill, that will probably leave me feeling messed up inside.
Anyways, lost the whole plot behind why am typing this… I consider this website to be a free therapist 
so probably just talking same way you’d talk to a psychiatrist, so fellow hello fellow doctors.
Funny thing, had a dream today about a pig looking for something around the walls of a hollow block I had built next to the beach… I kept chasing it but it would always come back, so I finally decided to ask it what it wanted… The pig told me it was looking for scientific data… I then entered the building block and started searching for something in a pile of sh1t in the middle of the block, I removed some colored letter blocks and told it, here it is… The dream ended after, couldn’t help relating it while typing about the soiled part lol… Yea dreamso do reflect reality - that’she what I reasoned from it… but then again, I would have approximately 1.1 billion dollars from all the lottery wins I got in dreams - some of them would even show the numbers - 4 times at draws over 100 million. And the saddest thing, I never remember hose numbers… even more sad, there have been people who woke up being shown lottery numbers and they won in real life using those numbers, and the same day they got the dream… so cruel lol, they remember, me with my schizophrenia mind always forgets.
Me, anyways mentioned the ‘not even eligible to be homeless’ coz my father won’t allow it even if I wanted to… If I go openly crazy, he’ll probably just harshly tell me to stop playing around lol. He just doesn’t accept the idea of having a mad son walking around like one of those crazy people who talk to themselves in public… so I just talk to myself in my head… though for like 2 years I thought that was public too.
