Hi
I am having a hard time with this relapse into my mental illness. These voices always call me hoe, and now I was thinking about Russel Crowe from Beautiful mind. But atleast he is good at math…ghee whiz, I wish I was. I am currently going through problems where I am also getting disgusting sexual dreams …some are rape. It is very hard to deal with. I think schizophrenia should be publicized more. Alot of people don’t know about it and, quite frankly, i think we are underestimated. I must be thankful, I am still functional. I can go to work or school everyday, where alot of people can’t. However, I have trouble waking up, but I think with a break and exercise I can fix that. Women fight for women write; certain race fight for their rights…but it seems, there is nobody fighting for the right of those with mental illnesses. When I was in the hospital, the doctor treated me badly. I was told to write him a letter and he teared it with a pencil. Now, it is very convenient for a professional to say it is my illness; as though seeing a solid paper tearing apart is hallucination. So, ya, if everything we say is perceived as false, who is going to fight for us? If we carry board signs on the street, they would probably just call us crazy–wait, they already do. It is a tough life, since my brother is now becoming rebellious. We were close like twins before I got sick, and even after. I guess seeing a sister who is mentally ill took a toll on his attitude. I feel there is nobody there for me, except my mom and dad. I have on other friend who frequently checks up on me but that is it. I have to make my appointment with my doctor but with my busy schedule it is hard; though I will. But really, who is going to take the initiative to call me and see how I am. Only mom and dad. These voices are very abusive. Atleast for a woman who is going through real verbal abuse, can leave. What can I do? Leave my brain that is causing this? Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself. The change this illness has caused me is immense. I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel reality. I don’t feel nurtured. I pray to God daily, but he seems to not hear my plea. These voices tell me to die, but honestly, but little do these chemical signals know my life is like walking through a brick wall as it is. O yes, going back to the Doctor. Next day he comes up to me and asks, ’ What do you want." And then he prescribes me medicine for schizophrenia. Ofcourse, I was in denial then, so I said, “What ever your are the doctor.” Guess what he said? “You bet I am, and I have been doing this for x number of years.” OH so your educated? That makes you God. Well guess what, you bet I am coming up to your range too. My cousin is now a doctor, and I asked him if thirty year of medicine allow a doctor to treat their patient that way? He was appalled…and no, I didn’t hallucinate my cousin saying that. If you don’t believe that, go ask him yourself. I read about a surgeon who was a minority and came from a poor family. He said education is a liberation. It is true. Knowledge is indeed power, and I will gain it. I wish, however, that my dream was easy to achieve. But it isn’t. I am going to ask people who went far as I want to, how to achieve my dream. I think I need to get pills for my sleeping cycle, because these voices keep me awake. Anyways, my dream is to volunteer at an autism society and maybe if I can tutor for free on the side of my main dream. I don’t know how to motivate myself though. Before last term, I was getting an average of 73, but I got two 50s in the spring term which dwindled my GPA vastly. I am not sure what the future holds, but I will continue to pray. I am not promoting my God to anyone, but there is a particular temple I go to, an in that temple, men and older women go through a fasting period. They all wear black and some go to India to see the altar. Everyone is is represented as equal in this festival. So, right now, my family is going through financial issue, or when I feel I won’t be successful I like to go there, because I see people who are financially impoverished there, but they bond despite it. Eventually though, most acquire a better life. So, after this term, I am planning on attending that temple more often, especially during the festive season. I grew up there, so it is very close to my heart. That is all for now. Hope you enjoyed my blogs thus far.
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