This is lame. I wrote a letter to Ian MacKaye about something that happened before shortly before I got sick. I also wrote a little bit more afterwards, just some stuff about schizophrenia in case he maybe was like a lot of people and had really negative or uninformed ideas about us. It’s been roughly 10 days and no reply. I guess it’s no big deal, but I’m still a little bummed. It wasn’t a matter of any dumb hero-worship or thinking he was all high and mighty, it was more like I was just thinking that I could approach him as one human being to another.
Hello-
I just wanted to say that I found a video of the Evens today on youtube and enjoyed it very much. It was refreshing and appealed to me in a way that I haven’t experienced in quite some time.
I first saw Fugazi when you opened up for Savage Republic somewhere around LA in the late eighties (?). I remember being very excited after the set. I spoke to you briefly, admitted I wasn’t really into Minor Threat, but had enjoyed the music you were making. It was unique, but seemed to incorporate musical elements that reminded me of post-punk bands like Mission of Burma and Gang of Four, etc that I found appealing.
I made it a point to see you whenever I became aware that you were coming to town afterwards for several years. I had the first two EP’s and I think 4-5 LPs that came afterwards.
At one point, my old band Hunger Farm opened up for you at the Country Club in Reseda. I have mixed feelings about that night, I remember you were upset with us for drinking beer and that Calvin seemed mad at me after Beat Happening’s set. I was so keyed up after playing that I found it hard to watch both your band’s sets afterwards. That was pretty common for me, I honestly wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. I was somewhat disappointed in the way we played, none of us did very well and I was hoping that we might play a good set and gain a little positive exposure for our music.
Many years later I read some reviews on the show and apparently Calvin was upset at the poor behavior of some of the members of the audience. After his band’s set, I told him that he reminded me of Mark E. Smith and that seemed to just piss him off. It was actually a compliment, the Fall were a favorite of mine. I didn’t mean that he sounded like him or Beat Happening like the Fall, but rather that he seemed unique and his individualism and devotion to his music just reminded me of Mr. Smith, who I respected very much.
I remember afterwards our bands hung out briefly afterwards, but it seemed awkward. You were all very nice, but it seemed there was a tangible tension.
A short time later, Calvin was nice enough to book us a show in Olympia. Not one person showed up for us or Distorted Pony. I might have been a little paranoid, but I wondered if it was because Calvin was angry with us. I figured it was because no one knew anything about us and they weren’t interested in two bands who were from LA. We were actually from Fountain Valley, but that was neither here nor there.
A little while later I was at a Jesus Lizard show in San Francisco and I saw your band hanging out. I was too nervous to say hello so I just kept to myself. I had a ticket for your show the next day, but ended up getting lost on the way and just driving back to my grandmother’s house about an hour or so away.
Anyway’s, I suppose I will tell you that it turned out that I was schizophrenic. A few months after the show, I had returned to Orange County and had my first episode of hearing voices and in time, I also experienced other symptoms that changed my world forever. Not to grovel for sympathy, but I wonder if the reason why I’m writing this is just paranoia on my part and that I’m am attaching inappropriate significance to the things I’ve mentioned.
Part of me thinks that you probably didn’t really care much or specifically remember anything unusual that night, but every once in a while I kinda bum out that that night turned out to be so negative.
I don’t actually spend a huge amount of time thinking about stuff like that, but I just thought maybe you would respond and explain to me once and for all that it’s nothing to worry about or if there was anything weird about what you remember, maybe you could just explain what you thought.
If I don’t hear from you, I suppose you’re just too busy to be bothered by a letter like this and that would make sense. But maybe you could just send a quick email so that I can put this to rest.
Just to be sure, I have been stable and med-compliant for quite a few years. I was able to free myself from my unfortunate substance abuse problems and begin to take my meds more seriously for about 15 years now. I don’t think I currently have any lingering delusions, just occasional break-though symptoms when under an unusual amount of stress. These are fleeting and I am able to ignore them.
I’ll apologize again if you find this message annoying or inappropriate.
I will probably check out what I can find from the Evens on youtube and spotify, if you have music there. I had to sell my stereo equipment and my music collection a couple of years ago when I moved to my current address. I simply didn’t have the space to keep those things. Afterwards, I stopped buying vinyl and CD’s. I live on a fairly strict budget, so it’s unlikely that I will buy any music anymore. I loved what little I heard, but my days of buying music are over, at least for now.
I hope you and your family are doing well. I also wish you continued success with whatever you decide to do in terms of Dischord Records and further musical projects.
Take Care,
15151511551515
Is it stupid for me to even care at all?