I hear you. I was in college and doing very well (GPA 3.87) but I was literally on another planet in my mind. I was barely present because of delusions but could hold normal conversations. People don’t know…
That is really fascinating. First off; I was diagnosed with Delusional Disorder (for those curious) not SZ. It IS common to be female and diagnosed in your 40’s with DD. I had extraordinary delusions. They were all related and consistent. Not like SZ. No word salad or bouncing around for me. Just an EXTREMELY powerful ‘delusion’ that was consistent, stable and grew every day. The Invega kicked it out of my system and, as a matter of fact, I have gotten more and more ‘sane’ as the months have gone by. Invega doses was January 2021. Risperidone (1mg) stopped August 2021. I don’t know what the future holds but I am struggling to adapt to my ‘missing’ delusion and inserted thoughts. It’s actually traumatizing.
It’s so hard to explain. I feel as though I live in a different world. With my delusion came certainty about the future. I KNEW I was going to be ‘saved’ and all kinds of cool ■■■■ was going to happen. Now, that safety is gone because the delusion is gone. I had a wonderful, benevolent relationship with the universe. ‘She’ talked to me every day. Now She is gone and I have mixed feelings. She told me so many amazing, miraculous, clever things that they MUST have come from ‘God’ but, now, I have to realize my own brain came up with all that and, frankly, I am a lot smarter than I thought I was, lol. I have to be awake and alert and go to work and try to make a life starting in my 50’s. Not easy. I am very anxious about having my (false) reality taken abruptly away and plunked firmly on my azz in this evil, cruel world where I am not guaranteed safety.
How can you classify something so far apart as connected. I mean besides the way the human brain is wired to see connections? I’d say enjoy what you got and let the future be.
I don’t know tbh if you are healed from psychosis. Just as I don’t know if I am either.
The psychiatrists and scientists do talk about risk factors for psychosis, maybe talk to your psychiatrist about that. That may help reduce your risk of a psychotic relapse.
I am attempting too, to reduce my risk of a relapse but it is hard work and so I have failed an awful lot with my attempts and who knows how much more I will fail, probably a lot.
Hopefully, you are healed from it though. Who am I to say you are or aren’t. I don’t understand psychosis or schizophrenia well nor do I know you.
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