No help, doing it on my own,

For the last 4 years I have no help from anyone except a few close friends. I have tried a few times to get help but either I didn’t have the money or they said that I was doing fine when inside my head it feels like it is going to explode. I do have warped views on certain topics but that is just me. Last time I took anti-depressants I lost the plot and turned my car into a weapon. I think about that accident and the few others that I have been involved in a lot. Not that I have a fetish for death or anything I think about my end constantly. A lot of my delusions and voices are people trying to harm me for reasons that I never knew anything about. Back to the doctors…How am I meant to get better and want to get back into society and gain employment if I can’t do it by myself and constantly get no help from anyone that can actually help me. I have been having major headaches since 2006 when I was punched in a cowards act by a police officer. I’m crazy if I feel pain or are sick but not crazy enough to get help. Either way I am in hell. I feel like that when I hurriedly do my food shopping that some random stranger will attack me. This puts me on on defense and then my brain triggers the voices and then I am starting ■■■■ in my head. With the delusion of people being able to hear my thoughts this becomes a minefield. I’m afraid of what I could be capable of if push came to shove. If the voices are any thing to go by I’m a pussy so I guess it just one more thing to be scared of. I have my good days where I feel I could take on the world and others when I feel that I have had enough but I cant let this beat me. I am me and I can not be anyone else. Time will tell anyways.

I know how you feel this illness makes eveil the simplist of things (food shopping) very difficult maybe you could go see your doctor tell them everything in your head everything your worried about and get the help you need. hang in therex