Voice is picking up. This one is named Nina. In the past she’s claimed to be my daughter. Daughter of another voice of mine named Linda.
Different than the crowd, she and her mother cut through. I’ve had visions of them, flashes and stills…memories?..waking dreams more like.
She tells me she loves me, calls me daddy, Tells me she wants to play, she likes food as much as her so claimed daddy, and tells me when she’s hungry and what she wants.
That’s when she’s in a good mood.
When she’s not…she…doesn’t have a child’s mentality. She will sound distressed and call my name, scream for help. Beg me in tears to “wake up” …recently told me to do that I have to kill myself…such a sweet girl…
Just as clever as her mother Linda…and just as twisted…another thing to fight off…more questioning as to “why?”
I’ve got music going to distract, and I’m trying to keep busy. Just have to wait her out and stay strong…
Fighting and staying strong gets draining. But it’s my only chance, right?
I’m awake, to my fullest extent, I have to tell myself that. Telling myself I can’t go home that way.
Fighting…and this day started out ok…
That’s a difficult one to contend with.
Do you play video games?
Video games really help me on my worst days.
Geez. That sounds horrific. Your voices sound dangerous.
Weren’t you on a med that blocked them? I remember you had to come off it though.
Wow. That’s tough to deal with. Any chance you’ll end up feeling like you need to do as she says? If so, call your pdoc as soon as you feel that way.
I’m playing a game right now. It’s helping. Then normally do
Geodon helped the most but it started causing my liver levels to skyrocket. Abilify 10mg either needs to be increased, or switched.
I’m on risperidone also
That’s tough. I’ve had delusions and voices that make me believe I need to die to wake up. It’s so hard to overcome. I still struggle with it and haven’t had those voices or delusions in over a year. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. Definitely keep pushing through and distract yourself as much as possible.
As long as my insight holds, I won’t.
I fight of commands and tricks the best I can.
And that specific request from her overlaps with a secondary delusion of never doing that in order to become an angel.
It’s a wall bearing delusion,
Thank you everyone, just sharing and getting my peer support makes me feel a little better
In all honesty if I had to go through that regularly I’d seriously consider clozapine.
I’ve considered It, I’ve tried four meds and they only partially work.
I asked about clozapine once and she told me it was a last resort, and she thinks therapy will help me more.
I’m considering changing Pdocs TBH. She’s not helping, and isn’t being as aggressive as I think I need.
Children playing in a park?
But Atleast it sounds like happiness
It puts thoughts in my head that they’re all real, the voices. Makes me think I’m of two places sometimes, more, these other worlds, torn between them. Like tendrils sunk into the fabric of the multiverse, one with everything and eternal, infinite.
Walls are moving too.
“My daddy is special… My daddy is sick… I love my daddy, but he won’t wake up”
Gotta fight it right? Can’t give in… can’t think like that…
”Split mind”… heck of a name…that’s the only way we fight it though…trying to be of two minds. All the second guessing and reality checking, all the “what’s that?” And “is that real?”. Have to always be aware of two sides fighting for control, split minds. The logical, and…”this”.
Hell of a trick it tries to pull, hurts.
But I’m fighting.
Do you talk to your voices? Mine are not mean but they do like to ask a lot of questions and make me feel like I’m confused. For example, when I’m in the shower they will ask me how many times I’ve showered until I start to believe that I’ve spent hours just getting in and out of the shower. Sometimes angrily responding to them helps me. It was my therapist suggestions but with your voices I may talk to a Dr. about it before I try.
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