Night time thoughts

Night time it really feels like I am just forcing myself to sleep. I am not actually sleepy I’m just sort of utilizing my narcolepsy and sleeping and sleeping if that makes sense. I start getting so many crazy dreams doing that.

Anyways I also just learned that my issues with perfectionism and troubles doing literally anything are symptoms of trauma. Big surprise (sarcasm) but it feels validating to read about nonetheless. Still like let me count all the ways my ptsd has screwed me over, oh my God.

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I always say I wanted to be perfect for God but I guess it felt like God abandoned me during my abuse. I thought maybe it was because I was bad. If I was good, i thought maybe he would come back and protect me. Of course thats not how it works.

He still lets the demons hurt me to this day. Why, God? What did I do?

If I had God’s power I’d stop the agony. I don’t think any SZ deserves it, really.

I’m trying some treatments (non-pharma) and it’s really doing a number on my symptoms. If my genital formication stops as well I’ll tell you. Maybe you’ll be interested.

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