I’m actually not sure what to say here, only that I need to say it. I was diagnosed as Bipolar I over 15 years ago and was medicated off and on until about 8 years ago when I got my ■■■■ together and actually started medicating and going to therapy.
3 years ago I started hearing voices. Constantly and loudly. They are never quiet - if I even wake up in the middle of the night they are there. Sometimes I can shove them to the side and focus, but that involves an incredible amount of effort. About 2 years ago it progressed to visual hallucinations (again, constantly there) and occasional tactical hallucinations (pinching of my skin all over). They get worse when I get manic, and I am often in the manic or hypomanic state thanks to the bipolar. I’ve been hospitalized 4 times in the last 3 years, 3/4 for manic symptoms and 1 for depressive symptoms. I’ve been self destructive and suicidal each time.
So a couple of weeks ago, my therapist and psychiatrist, knocked heads and re-diagnosed me with Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type. Of course, the first thing I did is look it up and start reading books.
Which of course, terrified me. Not that my symptoms don’t fit it to a T - scarily enough they do. But what scares me is how many people with the Schizo side of things are not fully functional. Despite my craziness, I have a full time professional job in a large corporation where I am expected to work cooperatively with others in the company. I am a project manager, trainer and coach. I go to work 8 hours a day, five days a week.
Is there anyone out there who still maintains a professional role? The idea of losing my ability to work (not to mention it’s impact on my support of my family) and maintain an outwardly facing “normal” professional image scares the crap out of me. If you do maintain a professional image, how do you mask the the hallucinations on a bad day?
who you are wont change just due to a diagnosis. only be scared if your behavior changes from being able to handle it to not. do you suddenly think you cant handle it just becaus doctor diagnosed, or are things getting harder
medicines will help you maintain a professional role, but be careful to fully understand the dangers of all meds before doctors these days dont explain stuff. its illegal to terminate someone for a mental illness but not illegal to terminate for job performance,
if you find you cant work professionally something that kinda helped me a little to stop ruminating depressed was youtubing people who had it worse off than me. for instance treacher collins syndrome girl juliana wetmore, or people who have terminal or malignant brain cancer and need brain surgery.
its a struggle to have schizophrenia. you are battling your brain. i dont particularly have the confidence, mental capacity to work right now because of brain damage from a medication, some others though find the will and mental concentration to continue doing what you do. remember all antipsychotics cause brain damage, so its up to the kind of medicine they give you also
Things are getting harder, which was the reason for revisiting my diagnosis. I’m doing training sessions (30-50 people) with hallucinations hanging out in the corners of the room and their voices loud in my ears. I’m handling it, but Klonipin and a lot of mental exercise are necessary. Fortunately, I telecommute, so the day to day is handle-able, but I am terrified that I’ll lose the ability to talk in front of groups, which is a huge part of my job.
sounds like youll make it, if the extra stress is worth the income. just remember if push comes to shove its better to let them fire you than to quit for unemployment reasons.
you are a beautiful human being, battling your own brain. your job doesnt define you as a human, your love and personality does, so please don’t feel worthless just in case you cant take it on.
It might just be a case of what your working on in therapy that’s triggered more symptoms. As you get closer to deeper issues the brain can go haywire trying to protect you from it.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective) our therapy has been focusing on the hallucinations and whether or not I am self-destructive enough to land myself in the hospital. The last couple of appts have focused on the new diagnosis and what it means to call all of my hallucinations part of the schizo spectrum rather than the bipolar one. My therapist is amazing, but she hasn’t ever existed in the corporate world.
Your fears of death are the the reason they show images in your mind, they are confused with these thoughts. Think good things and think of a long life with your family and friends. sit back once and imagine your life all of it mostly the good times, tell yourself why you had bad times and try to recall everything, as long back as you can remember. Do not do this in a hurry try and recall everything and find the reasons you love life and the things that bring happiness to your everyday. They think your unhappy and that you would rather die then be part of everything here show them that there is reason for life and the reasons you have chosen the paths your on, think of all these things clearly and objectively and most your problems will go away. I am in constant contact 24 hours a day, I can focus on everything I need to focus on and they fall to the back, I do not get hallucinations at all only their voices and my job is unaffected with this.
It sound like you are coping very well and being very pro-active. I’m not diagnosed so I can’t really help you with ideas on how to cope. Meditative breathing may be one way. Just wanted to say good luck and hats off to you for taking the initiative to keep yourself stable and on the track.
Hi. I have your same diagnosis. I say watch this video and have hope that you can do anything you want despite the illness. You can still stay sane and do good work if you make sure you are understood.
I have messed up a lot of things and lost my professionalism and also self esteem. I have extreme aversion to corporate structure and culture so it may be different for me. I am more of an anarchist artist type of person. I am finding out how I can be a professional artist, but I have a hard time staying consistent with anything and have so many sub interests in art that I tend to bounce around on too many projects at once. Also I hate money so it is hard to want to earn money. But you can do it!
Im a full time student, I have a 3.9, and I take medication. You need medication. I didnt want to take it, the side effects can suck, but it will make it all stop and permit you to function and appear normal.
I am pretty well medicated - Seroquel, lithium, lamictal, Welbutrin and Klonipin for when the hallucinations and anxiety get too bad. I have the bipolar type of Schizoaffective Disorder and while I hallucinate whenever I’m awake, I also get to turbo charge them with mania on a semi regular basis. Manic episodes can be a lot of fun (seriously), but they are incredibly dangerous and regularly send me to the hospital (way more than the depressive side). We’ve never found the perfect cocktail that gets both the mania and hallucinations 100% under control where I’m willing to live with the side effects (Geodon, Abilify, Effexor, Risperdal, Zyprexa, Seroquel, Haldol) such as cognitive impairment and weight gain. But the quest still continues…
I’m sorry you are struggling. You have a high stress job, I took a class on project management and know how intense it can be, and a high stress illness, I have the same diagnosis. I’ve learned that stress is what will unravel me, so stress management is important. I recommend the apps SAM and Personal Zen for Apple products. SAM really helps me with stressful thinking. My old tdoc also taught me the distraction game. You pick a category like animals and go A-Z through each letter naming animals. You can also do Musicians/ Bands, anything really. If I can’t think straight enough to do each letter, I pick a category and just name things. Like cheeses or cereal. If I still can’t think straight enough I just name things in the room. This game proved to me my demon wasn’t real. I was in a therapy group and we were talking about sexual abuse. He showed up and started screaming in my face. I told the therapist and as a group we played the distraction game. After three rounds the demon went away. If he were real, naming cheeses and cereal wouldn’t have driven him away.
Is there someone else that can take over your commitment to do the training sessions? Try reducing your stress at work as much as you can and learn as many coping skills as you can. It’s going to take work, but you can do it! Keep writing on here too, it helps!
This is a good topic because I plan on entering the workforce when I get done school in a year. I’m going for computer programming and have an opportunity for an internship coming up. My doctor is nervous because I would have to be around people 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
Thanks! Those are really useful ideas! And I’m definitely checking out those apps.
Unfortunately, training and coaching IS my job, so I can’t really beg off on it. And I love to teach so it would really suck to no longer be able to do it. I also travel 3-4 weeks a month across multiple time zones. But at least I get to work from home when I am in town. Btw - I work for a healthcare software company supporting the development groups and have 17 years of software development. It’s a great industry for those of us who are slightly “kooky” and dance to a different drum. You’ll fit right in.
