Newbie here! How do I get treated with respect, and not come across as incompetent?

“outwardly mean or standoffish”…“telling people off”…“short”

I hate to say it, but the above aint going to work for you either. The only respect you’ll get is people respecting the fact they dont want to talk to you much anymore.

You have a lot of problems? if you go to your friends too often, then they believe you have more problems than the average person. They may have the opinion that since they do not go to you so often with their own problems, then you needed advice weather you wanted it or not.

This is why most people hire counselors, to talk to and bounce ideas off of. We have a crappy disease. We cant exspect our friends to totally understand that we will have a few more problems in life than the average person.

That is the diff between sympathy and empathy, and there are times that diff can be a canyon.

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I have some of the same issues. Sometimes I lose control of myself and do things I regret. Usually people lose respect for me that’s why I’m thebest. People are pretty forgiving here and pretty much understand where you are coming from.

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I try to remember when they are “should-ing” me, that they think they are well-intentioned and generally they do mean well. They are trying to help, unfortunately its an ear you need, not someone telling you what to do or how to behave.

Also to take a step back and analyze was their comment actually demeaning or am I reading too far into it?

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I am 100% certain I am guilty of being one who issues “should” s.

I myself never mean to be demeaning to anyone. I dont know if others think i am telling them how to do things (being bossy, is what i think your getting at?)

I see it this way: if it were another situation, such as a bad cut on a finger, and you showed it to me, then why would you reject a bandage from me if it were offered to you and might fit your cut?

(If it dont fit then of course thats different thing though! lol)

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This is so very true! I agree that in a lot of ways a lot of people may not know exactly how to help or deal with one who seeks it out to often. I was wondering if perhaps instead of just turning into a confrontational and mean person, it would be more beneficial to learn some tools to be able to put myself first and stand my ground when I need to. I think counseling might be the best option for that.

Unfortunately I have a very hard time discussing anything about my mental health with anybody (which is very much an addition to the problem I’m dealing with). I’m looking to seek help as I am in a very steady decline in my productivity and I’m having significantly more episodes. :confused:

I rarely complain, and am generally the person described as the positive and great listening as a friend. One thing this thought really brought up was perhaps I really need to let go of expectations. I haven’t entertained that idea, and I think it might be a good first step to finding the answer! :slight_smile:

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I’ve definitely noticed that! I’ve already been able to consider other ideas and a lot of help just in one day!

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I’m sorry to hear you feel talked down to. It feels terrible when people don’t acknowledge your potential.

I would try to be honest with them though, and tell them that it hurts when they do that, but using non-accusatory language. @Leaf had a good suggestion in that department.

Also, they might not mean to talk down to you. Sometimes I tend to talk down to people if I feel like it’s the only way they’ll understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not because I think they’re stupid, I just want to make sure I’m not misunderstood.
When I talk to people like they’re children, it often comes from me feeling they act/react like children, even if they don’t mean to or aren’t aware.
That doesn’t make it okay, though.

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For sure, I agree. I’ve taken a bit of effort this last week to really pin-point true intentions and meanings. One issue I come across is I’ve got a very separate thought process that attacks my self esteem as soon as I run into any conflict. I’ve been looking into getting this discussed but I can have literal conversations with ‘my’ own thoughts and its always unsettled me. :confused:

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I’m thinking you might not be interconnected to the hierarchy of power among the people you work with. There are often two hierarchies at work - the formal one and the informal one. It’s not a good idea to buck either one. There is a lot of truth in the old saying, “You need to go along to get along.” It’s kind of hypocritical for me to say that, because I’m a guy who is emphatic about marching to his own drummer. I’ve lost a lot of jobs, too.

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Its most definitely an issue I’ve noticed as well.

I’m along the lines of “too” easy going and I think that is why I was always considered the underdog at my last job for two whole years, neglected from proper promoting and forced to work the two jobs above me with the promise of promotion that never happened.

I suppose that’s where I’m coming from with being outwardly mean, but i’m starting to think that perhaps finding a nice happy medium between work-ability, and putting my foot down in a respectful way. :confused:

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You remind me of when I was in the army. I was in before the Reagan military buildup, and things were different in the army then. In the morning, when a squad leader was looking for people to clean the bathroom, most of the guys in the squad would be slipping out of doors and jumping out of windows so they wouldn’t have to clean the bathroom. Some guy who was a newbie would end up cleaning the bathroom by himself. Of course, it didn’t take long for this to become tiring to him. Pretty soon he would be jumping out the window when the squad leader came, and the next newbie would be stuck with cleaning the bathroom by himself. The effect on morale was terrible. If you don’t have prompt and intelligent obedience to orders in the military you quickly lose your belief in yourself as an effective fighting force. Back then we were scared of Russia, and all the time you got the message from a dozen different directions - “We aren’t ready. We aren’t ready.” In 1980 I voted for Ronald Reagan solely for his policy on defense spending.

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I love this, I can definitely see where you can see that.

The sucky thing was despite being the the best dang bathroom cleaner in the restaurant (Sadly very true), but also one of the top performing employees was that when the squad leader (my shiesty boss :P) was looking for people, instead of jumping through the windows, I would be completely compliant and would walk right up and take on the role.

I’m not sure what that communicated to them, but I had always felt that it would have been seen as hardworking, and team player type stuff but that’s definitely not how it works I’ve come to realize! :'D

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@lcork9017 ,

Welcome !!

There are four major types of communication styles: passive, passive-aggressive, assertive, and aggressive.

You will get respect if you are assertive. Being assertive means standing up for your own rights, values and beliefs all while respecting the rights, values and beliefs of others. This type of communication style often fosters the best possible result for both parties.

Here’s a link to all four communication styles:

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Thank you this is much appreciated! :slight_smile:

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Imo just stop trying so hard to appear competent and you wont fail and look incompetent. Everyone makes mistakes, though I made far less mistakes before I developed sz. See what I did in the first sentence? I said “in my opinion”, thats a powerful face saver, if whatever you said next was stupid the fact that you said in my opinion means youre owning your own mistake/stupidity. So in a way it softens the impact of the mistake.

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