So, my therapist just reviewed my treatment plan with me for the year. Apparently at some point last year they changed me from Psychosis NOS to undifferentiated schizophrenia, and they just never told me. I’m feeling very mixed about it. On the one hand, being NOS gave me some kind of hope that I would get better one day. On the other hand, it’s good to have an accurate picture of what’s happening in my brain. He didn’t get why it mattered to me, since it doesn’t affect my treatment or medications at all. I don’t even get why it matters so much to me. But it does.
I don’t like doctors much anyway - not since my arrival into the world where doctors advice to himself was “beat it”. Which, ironically enough, is slang for leave. I don’t know what NOS or undifferentiated means so if you will explain that, I’ll know where you’re coming from. Anyway, who cares what doctor thinks. You are more than a diagnosis.
They’re basically the same thing. Psychosis NOS is the catch-all term for psychotic disorders that don’t fit into any category. It’s usually transitory. Undifferentiated schizophrenia is the catch-all term for types of schizophrenia that don’t fit into any of the other subtypes. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. I did find out that I am classified as low-risk, which is nice to hear.
My doctors are trying to be helpful. That certainly doesn’t mean they know all the right answers or do all the right things. But they most definitely want me to be well, and even to get over this illness completely - if possible.
The most important thing for me to do today is to accept my illness as it is today. To accept something doesn’t mean to like or hate it, it means to let it be what it is. Previously, I cycled between great hope and great loss as my symptoms came and went. I wanted to be well, it hurt too much to think that I was ill, maybe forever. Since then, I’ve learned from the amazing people here that it’s possible to have a mental illness and still live a very fantastic life. Interestingly, living a fantastic life helps the illness die out, living in the drama of the illness makes it get worse.
Sure, sometimes I’m bummed about it. But on a daily basis everyone here shows me how to live well with it. And that makes it go away. Forever? Maybe, maybe not. I do my best to accept it, and know that I’m not alone in the confusing reality of the illness anymore. I try to live life on life’s terms, not on my terms.
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