Never alone

[Leaf]

One good thing about schizophrenia is I’m never alone. I always have company in my head. There’s always a sense that’s someone’s there to judge me. Every little thing I do is under scrutiny. And in a way I feel like I always have my mom with me because sometimes it feels like she’s judging me too. So it’s not a perfect way to walk through life but it’s the way it is.

So even though no one else is awake right now I don’t feel alone. And even on days where half the day goes by and I haven’t said one word out loud I feel like I’ve been talking all day long. I think why don’t you just shush it down girl, when I realize I haven’t said not one single thing.

I find myself withdrawing from real people because I feel like I’m talking too much when in reality I haven’t spoken at all. Oh and I think I’m being bitchy because they are bitchy to me. I get confused about what happens out loud.

Sometimes when I’m in public I get upset because I feel like my thoughts are out loud and it’s embarrassing. I have to spend a lot of energy reassuring myself it’s in my head so I don’t jump up and run out of the room. It’s kinda a little panic attack I get.

Anyway I should try and be better company for myself cus right now I’m not that interesting. I should start playing the guitar again, that used to be really fun for me. I would spend hours playing and singing and writing cute little folk songs. I was great company then.

Now all I do is worry and judge. What a negative girl.

[Om_Sadasiva]

I also have the company of voices, even when they are silent

[Zelda]

Sounds like you need to get back out with people again. Reach out to a couple of friends or family and try to make plans to do a small thing. I know it’s hard - but you know being alone and this much in your head isn’t healthy.
The guitar sounds good, it’s always better when your focused doing something else. I have one too that I’m trying to learn, mostly using the guitar tabs app.
I noticed that if I can read a book, I won’t hear ‘any’ voices the entire time. Figure out the time you feel the most peaceful, so you can do more of that.