Thought I’d just make a post on how my negative symptoms seem to come and go.
its been pretty up and down this week.
2 days ago I felt pretty good almost ‘normal’ but not quite. was content with the days productivity.
yesterday I had just barely enough energy/motivation with the help of coffee to get through the day with work but had a spike of energy (caffeine lol) that evening that I utilised by composing some stuff on the piano. it was so interesting I could hear various compositions of the piano being created in my head and I would just try to figure out what the keys were that I was hearing. Once I understand the piano more I think I will be able to utilise that a lot better when it happens.
This morning I woke up feeling really tired , totally unmotivated , just feeling like a slug on a log. so i went back to sleep and couldnt get up till about 3pm , *i dont feel depressed at all during this , just 0 motivation , and feeling everything is too much effort or wont be worth it.
i felt serious avolition all day today I could barely make any food, no shower, just sat on the couch and convinced myself to watch something. everytime I feel like this and it wont lift I think about making an appointment with a doc to get a NRI antidepressant, from what ive read that might help with negative symptoms.
around 6pm i was feeling mildly catatonic and just 100% blank. just on the couch and nothing.
the fact that this keeps happening has made me swing into heavy depression at night as Ive been feeling hopeless about this. I think this is a normal human reaction to this unfortunate experience I have to continue to go through.
this has been seemingly getting worse over the past couple years.
then tonight at about 2 am it feels like my mind starts working again. 2AM . WHY is it 2 am that this lifts/changes? , so i decided not to waste it and,
anyway so I got up and cleaned up all the dishes I had laying around took the garbage downstairs.
took my laundry out of the basket thats been sitting downstairs for a week clean. and then I cleaned up my whole room.
I dont feel hyper i just feel like the avolition/amotivation lifted and I was able to get stuff done.
not to downplay the voices i used to always hear or whatever else, but id almost welcome that ■■■■ back over this sometimes. , both sides of the coin are ■■■■
This ■■■■ is frustrating as hell . Thanks for letting me vent here. I needed it.