Hello, greetings for the season. I am right now an undergraduate student currently resting at home because of my psychological condition. I would like to share what I have experienced, in order to seek help. Could you please instruct me on what I should do in life? Thank you in advance!
I constantly hear voices that are criticizing my behaviors as if those who speak voices know all of my doings from daily routine like what time I get up to what I behave outside my home in neighborhood. The voices always remind me that I am a bad person, and that I am hopeless and my parents should adopt other children instead of raising me. When I am doing sports in the gym, those with children shout at me, "do not be noisy! Stop! I will kill you! " Every time I am in the gym, my behaviors would be assessed by others, like how many times my ball bounce on the ground, or how I do bad on the learning progress–in my opinion, I am in well progress, since I keep on doing sports, and would correct the wrong gestures rather quickly.
Besides, I doubt whether some of my former classmates are podcasting my behavior through a video station to make more people know my former behaviors and recent behavior and add the mood of hatred. They all hold a belief that I must die–either be killed, or suicided. I do not know why in what I have heard, this society is so cruel without leniency (the voices indeed encourage me like “she is a genius”–however it is still not a good encouragement). I am now in China, and I do believe that the society is with love and care and justice. If such a condemn on a person indeed exists, then there would be without justice and people are doing wrong on focusing on the mistakes of others, instead of developing themselves and seeking benefits. Worrying whether I am right now being discriminated, I am also concerning on the development of the whole society.
Almost all the people spit on the ground when I pass by, as if they hate me. I worry whether my dignity is down on the road, and I feel deep ashamed.
Am I a schizophrenia patient? Why I always hear voices indicating that I am an extremely notorious person?
Now I live with scare. I am afraid of going out to enjoy the sunshine because in that case, I would meet more people who are watching me, and interpreting my behaviors as with negative meaning, especially those who want to educate their children bringing their kids outside.