I’m very recently diagnosed with Schizo-Affective, depressive type (in specific, diagnosed 3 months ago). In retrospect, I can see a lot of the prodromal symptoms of schizophrenia in my middle school years, and the active symptoms more recently in high school (currently a senior). Ever since the seventh grade, I’ve had trouble with making myself get up and do things. Assuming it was teenage depression was the first mistake I made. So I fought to get over it, and for a short while I did, but not by any means of my own effort. I found a girl I liked and latched onto her like a leech, then she dumped me and I was ripped away from my only source of joy like a barbed arrow out of a wound. Needless to say, it hurt. By this time, I had started hearing voices on occasion and the paranoia was deep-set. None of it helped when I had the shotgun in my mouth.
But by some grace of God a spark of realization entered my mind and I was able to stop myself from committing suicide. I’ve been on Abilify ever since, and it’s been helping quite a bit. However, my symptoms are catching up. To name a few:
Voices: I hear whispers and deep voices as if from hell talking to me on occasion.
Visions: I have dreams of, and see when I close my eyes, a hellscape of torment and damnation beyond my worst fears.
Paranoid Delusions: I often find myself lacking trust in anyone, including my closest of friends. I can’t look in the eyes of my closest friend without seeing a plot to undermine me lurking in their mind.
I know triggering posts aren’t allowed here, so if this triggers anyone, I’m deeply sorry. I just want to share my story.
You’d be surprised that most of us have similar stories. Schizoprhenia and associated disorders are most likely on a spectrum and it’s amazing how similar experience can be. At least to me it does.
Take the meds. Best thing you can do. If your getting deal breaking side effects or positive symptoms then see your doc. You might need a change or an adjustment.
Try not to isolate. Half the problems people have here are due to isolation. Try to get well enough to socialise and keep friends. I didn’t get diagnosed till I was 29 so a lot of wasted years there…it’s good to be young in some respects!
Learn what you can. It helps to recognise your symptoms and whether they need addressing! Welcome aboard…lot’s of nice people round here. Good luck to you!
Thanks a lot for the support! I’ve been dealing with a desire for isolation lately. Luckily enough, I have a very good friend who has OCD with severe psychotic symptoms and he has helped me through dealing with them. I do think I need something more than a 10mg dose of Abilify, however.
Thank you for sharing your story! I’m glad you survived and I wish you a smooth recovery! If you ever need anything we’re all here to help and support each other so don’t be shy!
Thank you for sharing with us! I’m glad you escaped that dark place. Don’t lose hope if your meds aren’t perfect yet it can take a while to find a good match, but once you do it’s heavenly!
