So I asked my father how I could help him best, and he said “the best thing you could do is get off my back”, he went on to say that I was largely a burden to him indirectly by being a burden on my mother.
My mother sorts everything practical out for me and provides me with emotional comfort. I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t have a means of independent finance and I can’t stay stable without relapsing for any great length of time.
These problems have been with me for the past twenty odd years. All I do is process my reality with my thoughts. To this extent reading esoteric books and doing esoteric physical exercises are not really helpful in making me independent. They capture my attention more than anything else, but they don’t lead anywhere except to more thought processing. They don’t even necessarily help me with avoiding relapse, sometimes they do and I seem to make progress, sometimes they actually destabilize me.
I don’t want to be a burden, but I have this condition, and I’ve had it for the past twenty years. I want my parents to be happy. I worry about what will happen when they’re gone. I should be taking steps to support myself, get a girlfriend, and stop relapsing. I am focused on these things, but nothing I do seems to help.
Journaling is helping, it captures my attention more than anything else, and I have been wondering today if I could somehow make money out of writing. But I am not a good writer, struggle to write fiction and my non-fictional writing is all over the place moving from topic to topic at random.
I can’t really concentrate on any one thing for more than fifteen minutes or so, about the time it takes me to write a post in one of my journals. I struggle with philosophy, getting nowhere. Earning a living as a philosopher is tough, I don’t have a philosophy degree for a start, and you have to be both well read and able to write well, not to mention original.
At the moment I am trying to write every day, hopefully improving my writing, but I am still largely processing my own disfunctional reality. I don’t know if anyone wants to read what I write. It would be nice to start a blog, but I don’t really feel ready. Journaling on forums is the best way for me at the moment.
Years ago, my father warned me that I was like a butterfly with my attention, never really focusing on one thing for long enough to get good at it, and this is still the case.
I still want to make sure I read at least five pages of a book each day, whether it will get me anywhere, I don’t know, but the discipline of some sort of routine is good.
In fact I have a routine of eating and drinking coffee. I know many people link coffee to schizophrenia, but I’ve found it helps me, especially with the meds. I have a very high tolerance for coffee.
My routine of eating and drinking coffee doesn’t get me anywhere. As I said, I want to get off my parents back. I just can’t seem to do it. There is only one reason for this, my condition. I have to get better.