Hi. I don’t really know how to say or go about this but I am looking for someone to guide me in the right direction or at least lend an ear.
[If you are sensitive I’d recommend not reading]
To really understand what’s going on I need to start from the beginning.
Growing up my parents were split, I’d live with my mother during the week and visit my dad on weekends. At some point I was around 11 years old, my mum got into a relationship that ended badly and we were out couch surfing with literally the clothes on our back and we lost everything. We eventually got into commission housing and worked our way back up and onwards. Through this time my mum became severely depressed and became an alcoholic. I looked after her most days up to the age of 14, there was alot of resentment. At 14 sadly everything worsened, my grandfather passed due to cancer and everything became too much. My mum took her own life. I have sinced lived with my father who i am very greatful for to take me in.
I am 21 now. I seemed to deal with everything pretty well considering the circumstances, fast forward a bit through high school it was a failure i couldnt concentrate like i used to and frankly didnt care I just wanted to leave and get a job. I left school and since have hopped between jobs not because i lose them but because im unhappy with them and want a good life at the right job.
Inbetween jobs i started smoking marijuana with friends. alot. everynight i was high to the point you would pass out. everything was fine for quite awhile all laughs until my friends started killing my high they were bad mouthing me just whispering but because i was generally spaced out it was too late to say anything when i snapped back to reality (at least this was my thought) it got worse, panic attacks, thinking everyone was against me. it took countless embarassing conversations with my very patient girlfriend to realise that no one was doing anything bad by me… what happened is hard to explain but i would recall a conversation in my friends voices that never actually occured, as if it was a memory. I developed severe anxiety and feel depressed quite often… something i think i have been neglecting for years if i am honest.
I immediately stopped smoking when I realised I was ‘hallucinating’? which with alot and i mean alot of mental willpower of correcting myself when these irrational conversations have supposedly taken place. the occurence of it has lessened over the months and has faded away, it sometimes happens rare;y but nowhere near the magnitude it used to be.
I should mention that my uncle has schizophrenia.
So my question is. Am I/Does it sound like I will develop schizophrenia or was it just drug induced or the result of high stress, depression and generally not knowing whats going on due to being high?
Sorry if this is an inappropriate place for this topic.