My story - if it makes any sense


I am a 28 years old male and have been diagnosed with Schyzophrenia about 7 years ago. At the time I was close to suicide but found great relief in christian faith, associated with other “strange beliefs”. My uncomfort never left me to this day.

I am feeling such an utter rage and hatred at times that my thoughts vanish in murder scenario and extreme aggressivity. I train to contain myself most of the time and when released or off-medication (when I forget them) it totally “turns me off”.

Coupled with that I was raped at 6 or 7 years old (I was at the prime age school) and this is probaly a reason why I hate this ■■■■■■■ country so much. I ■■■■■■■ hate the place I live and I split myself to the mind, or I should say “heart-mind” where I can feel a sense of security and faith. I would almost say I’m dead it makes sense, pationnally and emotionnally yet im alive :frowning: I don’t know WHAT THE ■■■■ to do ?!! I’m trapped in my own system and the world could burn I wouldn’t feel a think I would think “you all failed and I never cared about you”.

My “strange belief” holds that I am a resurrected saint yet no one called him a saint and this happened one night at a prophecy night at Church when I felt God talk to me “his way” (If you are a Christian you know this is not schyzophrenic distortion because God does speak through the Holy Spirit - I didnt hear anything it was through the heart-mind like He always does) when several people got prophetical insight into my “situation”.

This Church is the only good thing I experienced in this piece of ■■■■ country (switzerland), apart from my family. I went through 20 years of school after being raped and it felt like torture all along. Now I think everyone is so ■■■■■■■ retared I wish I could see this country burn :frowning:

I ■■■■■■■ hate people I think everyone is a ■■■■■■■ retard and I don’t speak to no one even my parents.

I can relate mine to your heart-mind system and the voice claiming from the Holy Spirit.

Before coming to a conclusion, I must admit am experiencing the same system which am trapped within. Similar to your child sexual abuse, I have some sort of emotional wound either. I do not hate my country, but I do hate the system of things in this wicked world. Please realize there are still good people out there.

The conclusion is, I have been told by my doctor that the “heart-mind” system is in fact a defense mechanism to cope with your childhood emotional wound, both in our cases.

I totally agree with you that a dont fundamentally “hate my country” just this rotten worldwide ■■■■■■■ system which my country is a part in. And I know there is a few good people too. But this ■■■■ is driving me mad and I wonder how can we take any action. I’m sick at being the slave and having to bear all this crap. I am for war, i’ve seen too much crap and it totally ■■■■■■ me up. I never had a girlfriend either.

I think the ‘heart-mind’ system (or at least what we think it is) is WHO YOU ARE. Not just a silly defense mechanism you’re supposed to get rid off. Some people get rid of the heart part and think they are super-intelligent when they are just nazi luciferians alienated pieces of crap.

I understand that you are frustrated and upset however I will ask that you try to refrain from swearing so much. It is not necessary to get a point across.

Thank you


I thought this is a place of expression. Aren’t we all adults here ? No one has to read me anyways do they ?

In case you missed reading the posting guidelines:

• Banned Activities

It is our policy to warn anyone showing flagrant disrespect e.g., foul language, and to delete their disrespectful posting. If this disrespect persists, the member is banned from the community.

I couldn’t resist posting this. What makes you think we are all adults? Anyone 13 and up can register here. Your ignorance can be excused because you are new and obviously haven’t read the terms of service.

What can’t be excused is your idiotic username. Create a new account with a more appropriate username.

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Eat little but often.

Okay, so I created a new username. For your information a 13 years old can bear what I said so I don’t know what you are talking about. I split with myself at 6 AND I DIDNT EVEN GO THROUGH MY TEENS EMOTIONNALLY. So what if a 6 years old kid can write this ? You don’t know anything about what a kid can think obviously or it’s long forgotten to you. It really sucks to be honest because I am facing closed doors everywhere I go even in a forum where I am supposed to find help. Again you’ll reason as a bearded 60 year old that doesn’t know anything about what I’m talking about, or supposedly feel “hurt” but about what exactly ? I don’t know. The funniest part is that you supposedly left this forum (I read your posts) and you are actually the one kicking me from it WHEN THEN MODERATOR ONLY GAVE ME A WARNING, which I can understand.

Enough fuss. Now the real reason for this post : why did you delete all my posts ? :frowning: I was having constructive and honest discussions and you screwed it up. So. Can you please enable my posts back and change my “idiotic username” to another ? Because I don’t want to start it all over again.


First, thank you for creating a much more appropriate username. Second, my mention of 13-year-olds registering was purely in response to your “Aren’t we all adults” comment.

I deleted your posts in an attempt to delete the username, but a bug with the software seems to have made that impossible. I will undelete those posts.

My moderator status is in question at this time. What I considered a quick and decisive action on my part is more likely an overreaction. And I’m not 60. Yet.


Okay thank you. As far as I know changing my old username only takes a database entry to edit. I know enough ow web dev to know that lol. Thanks

I’m just a moderator. :slight_smile:

As far as I know, it is improper to modify the forum database directly. The administrator normally do this from forum’s CP(control panel).

It is only improper if you’re not 100% sure of what you are doing :slight_smile: Besides using forum CP does exactly just that : edit a database entry. It’s just more “user friendly”.

This table and that table might exist relation to each other. Unless someone knows for sure which to edit, it is risky. The forum developers know best.

Im sorry to hear that. I was molested as a little boy, I know how traumatizing it is. But I think you are letting your negative feelings consume you, be careful with that. I used to believe that I was half-demon half-angel in a metaphorical sense, I am an atheist. I let the demonic side shine and it was ugly. It’s not normal to be unmedicated, diagnosed with schizophrenia and taking twice the recommended dose of weightlifting stimulant drinks in the dark blasting Slipknot on expensive headphones, then going to the gym and doing ridiculously intense workouts and exhausting yourself until you can hardly stand. That’s what I did for a long time, and I regret it. Oh, and then I would drink a bottle of liquor and smoke the rest of a pack of cigarettes.

I think you need medication. I was angry and now I am on xanax as well as an antipsychotic and am much more tranquil. I am also on a beta-blocker which keeps my blood pressure and heart rate down so I cant go into fits of rage, my heart rate just wont get that high. I havent had a fit of rage since I got on my current medications.

I understand your frustration and I think this argument over you swearing is silly, I mean schizophrenia is about as serious as things get and swearing about it is fine by me. I mean havent we all heard voices saying much worse things? Come on now…

You can get better. You need to get help. You need a psychologist and a psychiatrist.

And you need to quit going to church, it’s making you delusional. Religion and schizophrenia don’t mix in my opinion, religion often makes schizophrenics think they are right…and to be honest, I think most religious people are a little schizotypal themselves. That or psychologically abnormal in some other way, like sufferers of substance abuse disorders, OCD, anxiety, depression, something is wrong. I only know a few very seriously religious people and they suffer from disorders.

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Not all churches are like that Mortimer…

I’m not a Christian myself but was raised in the Episcopal church which is very sane and down to earth. There are so many varieties of Christians and their churches that you can’t really factually make broad statements such as this.

I would say rather that perhaps rather they could give a different church a try if their current one is aggravating the illness.

While I dislike a lot of foul language, my main concern was the username. A little swearing is fine.