Hi there, my name is Joelle. I am just a 17 year old girl who lives in the USA. I am writing this to get some insight, advice and help. I don’t know what is going on really with my brain…its in a weird state right now. Anyways here is my story, sorry if it is long, but i hope i can get some help in the end…
It started when i was around 8, 9 or 10 years old (can’t remember i’m terrible with dates). I lived in a normal house with my grandma, grandpa, brother, and uncle. I wasn’t a normal kid really…I used to be afraid of showering because i had to close my eyes when washing my hair so the soap wouldn’t get into it. I didn’t want to close my eyes because i didn’t want something to grab me or harm me when i wasn’t looking. I used to see clothes in the closet form into scary clowns, faces, or witches. I was a very fearful child. Most of this paranoid behavior would happen at night. I remember seeing pitchforks rising from the ground. I used to see dead people, a man wearing a fedora…i was not allowed to watch or read scary things because i would have panic attacks afterwards. I was living my life in constant fear. I started hearing things too…the first thing i have ever heard was “your dad found a spot”. I have no idea what that means, I have never met or seen my father. I would also hear my name being called…Anyways the time came around when my mom was released from jail…i was like 10, or 11 I think I may have been way younger.Well we eventually moved out into a house of our own…I was 12. This is when things got unbearable. I saw the devil trying to grab my while i was laying in bed…i had Lucid nightmares and terrible dreams. I was being touched and watched by a girl. It was awful and probably one of the worst couple years of my life. I used to hear dogs claws tapping on the wood floors when there was nothing there, or seeing animals randomly disappear or walk through things. I saw the girl more than 10 times and she would talk to me and hurt me in my dreams. I didnt know if it was real, it felt so real and the fear i felt was unbearable but i just was so confused. I think that takes me to now. It all went away after taking different medications and therapy. I still am delusional. I think that my parents poison my food, or that my siblings are going to stab me or kill me. I was recently having very lucid and violent dreams of me shooting myself or getting shot and killed. I think people are watching me or talking about me. I dont talk to anyone outside of my family i am online schooled and i don’t have friends because i dont go outside or interact I am scared for my health, i really am. I don’t know whats going on with my brain. I heard a doorbell and i was the only one who had heard it. and i see shadows out of the corner of my eye. Im paranoid i am. Its scary…
I guess i want to know i’m not the only one…and i want to see if these are symptoms of schizophrenia. Thank you for reading my story…please feel free to leave your comment, I really want insight. <3