In high school i got obsessed with the idea of expanding your mind with drugs. I didnt do any drugs in high school, but i knew i wanted to one day. I have always been into pushing the boundaries of my mind. Then i got into philosophy, and that was a way for me to expand my mind without drugs for a while. Went to college for physics at first because i wanted to learn about the nature of reality, only to get a professor in calculus with a very heavy accent, and i did poorly in physics because i could comprehend the math, i had done spice over the summer and had a few psychotic symptoms pop up briefly. I ended up switching to philosophy in my second year, and got my own place, and dropped acid for the first time. I believe this is when my schizoaffective officially started. I became so depressed after coming down that i had to eventually drop out of school for a while, and abour 8 months later was hospitalized for psychotic depression. I was engaged to a man during this time, and after coming out of the hospital all i did was lay in bed, barely eating and barely talking to anyone, but i eventually returned to work part time. My fiance eventually left me and this made me homeless and jobless so i moved in with my parents. My mom said something highly sexually abusive to me so i went homeless again, and eventually started sleeping on my brothers floor because he didnt have any furniture. This is when i attempted suicide for the first real time, and instantly regretted it, and my life started turning around. I went back to school for philosophy and continued to expand my mind. But the psychosis came back and i remember being in a class about the nature of reality amd perception and obsessing over if a chair i was staring at was real or not, decomposing its parts, wondering why a chair is even called a chair, feeling like people could “see” through my eyes like a movie, and eventually having shadows following me and hearing voices in white noise. I dont know if i articulated well enough what was truly going on because i got diagnosed with BPD and told medications were useless for me, so i went unmedicated for a long time. I was told my experience of gender was because of my disorder. I spent 2015 in a highly dysregulated state, and lost my mind. I finished college in 2016 but had developed schizoaffective amd ocd so bad i wasnt truly functioning. I applied to grad school for religious studies, and was denied, i believe based on my grades, since i had a 3.1 GPA after all of that. The psychosis stayed at bay for a few years but the ocd and depression raged on. My emotional dysregulation mellowed out too from 2015-a month ago. In 2016, i went into the americorps and.moved to a new state, and the guy i.moved in with highly used me for money i found out, and he was not s good person. I was diagnosed with autism and hospitalized 4 times in the 4 months i was there. I moved back in with my.parents because i had no choice, and continued being traumatized by their violence. I got together with a woman and moved in with her not long after in 2017, i ignored a bunch of red flags. Slowly the emotional abuse crept in and before i knew it i had another psychotic break in 2018 and eventually diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar type in 2019 with OCD CPTSD and autism. However i stayed with my ex for the next 2 years. So 4 years total, and we got engaged at one point. It all just kept boiling over until one day on may 18 2021 she got physically violent towards me for the last time, and with the combination of being in therapy for my self esteem/codependency and having had emdr, i was able to officially leave her. Got a restraining order and moved away, and she dragged me through the court system for 6.months until we reached a settlement, all the while.my.psychosis continued, the entire year of 2021 i was mostly psychotic with little breaks, i wa shospitalized twice i think maybe 3 times idk. I went polyamorous like i had wanted to for a long time and dated a few people, most of them were bad for me, and i felt used by two, one straight up lied to me about his feelings and blamed me for asking for the bare minimum, because he would go days without talking to me and we were official at that point, and the other would get reqlly into me and then disapear rapidly, and when i told him i wanted to be platonic he ghosted me competely. The guy that lied to me about jis feelings did so right after the anniversary of may 18 so i was already feeling low, and he kind of sent me over an edge, because it reminded me of my childhood so deeply, and i havent been very ok since. My ptsd came roaring back and now my emotions are highly dysregulated again, and im feeling the full ptsd reaction to my ex from 2017-2021, and shes going around telling people im a narcissist schizophrenic who wanted to kill her snd threatened her with violence, and i feel shes just rewritting history to be painted as the victim, and idk maybe she feels the same wah about me. I feel so confused about everything, especially reality, and like i csnt trust my perception of anything. Yesterday i was with my loving partner and he said something innocent but in a tone that reminded me of my ex and my parents and i had a panic attack and kept asking him if he was mad at me and asking for reassurance, and spiraled into being angry at myself for being too much for him and for not being over my trauma yet.
/rant. Just needed to get that out. Sorry.
I’m having trouble getting through the long text. Can you give me a summary? I have trouble reading long texts because I get lost and start forgetting what I was reading.
Yeah abolutrly. Thank you for being invested enough to ask!
Tldr; did drugs to expand my.mind, took philosophy classes, all this added up to becoming psychotic, got misdiagnosed with BPD and told meds were useless for me, got in an abusive relationship and diagnosed with schizoaffective, broke up after she got violent again last year, and now dealing with ptsd again
That’s tough. I think drugs and abuse both trigger and really intensify sza/sz.
I was just telling a new member how my mental health team think my complex ptsd is why I’m having such trouble dealing with my sza symptoms.
They recommend treating the ptsd over other issues for now. Can you get ptsd treatment? They told me DBT can actually also help ptsd and not just borderline personality disorder
Ive had a round of emdr and it was helpful, so im looking for a new therapist to do that with again. Dbt can be helpful for a lot of diagnoses, like autism and cptsd which i am now diagnosed with, ive been through it before and my last therapist used some of it with me, id like to at least learn how to self soothe again
Oh wow. You’re off to a good start already. That’s great. If you get a therapist and you don’t click with them, don’t hesitate to get a different one.
That’s what I just did. I didn’t like the social workers who were running the intensive therapy program I was in.
So I got what I thought I could out of the one year program and quit at 9 months in. I just asked my case manager to get me a new therapist. I’m on a waitlist for now but it won’t be long he said.
Don’t feel bad about doing what you need to do to get the best recovery possible
Im almost 30 so ive had my whole 20s to work on this stuff lol, but i keep finding myself in traumatizing situations unflrtunately, so im learning who i can and cant trust emotionally and to trust my gut before i get hurt. Its hard. Being on disability finally is also a huge help since i wont have to move back in with my parents or hop into moving in with a toxic partner. But yeah, intensive groups can be useful i suppose, though i never got anything out of them personally. I did a DBT group at one point when i was diagnosed with BPD, and i remember feeling completely out of place because i just could not relate to anything anyone was sharing, and i was also psychotic and didnt tell anyone during that time, and my toxic ex had BPD, and i just cant relate to that thought process, EXCEPT when i am briefly triggered when my ptsd overall is bad.
Im glad you got disability so you can take time to recover and get mentally healthy again. Based on everything you’re saying, I think you’re doing a really good job taking care of yourself and that you are possibly not giving yourself enough credit.
Thank you, i appreciate that. I try really hard because even when i am suicidal i know im not actually ready to theow in the towel, just not like me. I just wish i could figure everything out and get over it all already but i know its not realistic maybe even a lifelong battle, which makes me feel kinda hopeless.
Based on your current successes so far I’d say you should feel far from hopeless.
You’ve done a lot to help yourself and you are definitely improving over time.
Im improving wkth my interpersonal skills for sure, which helps, but i feel like my psychosis and bipolar mood swings get worse and worse, and with my ptsd relapsing im just way overwhelmed, im lushing my partner away because of yesterday, i just cant handle ruining that relationship right now, which i feel like im doing really badly
Is your pdoc listening to you about what you’re going through?
I think having some distance from your partner could possibly help depending on what is going on between you two. However, I would tell my partner what was going on, or I’m mentally unstable right now and need some space so I don’t mess things up with you.
I am in the process of getting a new pdoc because my therapist of 3 years quit a couppe months ago and then i wasnt able to see my pdoc of 4 years anymore because they were in the same office andnit was policy, and this was tight after i decided to go off meds and not long after my.ptsd came back, so the timing sucked. Im back on my meds because i had a refill and its taking the edge off but i think it needs increased
I hope you find one soon. Is anyone helping you find one?
No not really. Which is why its been such a slow process, its kind of overwhelming
Are you in the US?
Yes i am 151515
Ok. So you need a pdoc as well as a therapist? If so, here’s a link to finding a therapist below. Try to get a therapist first and they’ll direct you to a pdoc they work with.
Yeah ive checked out that website and am periodically working through it. I found a clinic i want to go to, but they dont seem to answer their phones much and i absolturly despise leaving voicemails for some reason
Oh, ok. Try preparing in advanced and get yourself mentally ready to leave a message. Write it out and read off the page if you need to. Just think, leaving that message will get you one step closer to better mental health