I’ve been working on keeping my mind in check and using my toolbox of coping books and mantras to try and hold onto that branch over the quicksand and not sink into my head… it’s spinning fast like a downward vortex.
Sometimes I have this thing that makes me really irritated with myself… My own form of split thinking.
Like I said in other post… there are things I know and things I feel… and I don’t like it when the things I feel get in the way of the things I know.
I KNOW ants in the washroom doesn’t mean your health is failing…
How do you measure sugar levels in your blood? Get a blood test from a qualified doctor… but for some reason… when I see ants in the washroom it’s like an omen of illness coming. I get a all hypochondriac.
I KNOW that family pictures don’t watch me and send messages to my family when I’m messing up, but having family photos around does bother me and sometimes even the picture of my sis in my wallet makes me wonder… does she know I’m eating this cake for lunch and not the lunch she packed for me?
I make a point to always carry a recent photo of my sis in my wallet for identification purposes… because if she ever does go missing the cops ask… do you have a recent photo of the missing person? YES I do… here it is.
I KNOW there aren’t tracking tags sewn into my clothing… but it still really bugs me when door alarms and stuff like that go off. I get really anxious when stuff like that happens. Logically I KNOW it was just a coincidence. But I feel like I’m under observation.
I hate it when things I KNOW clash against some of my sneaky brained thinking. It gets really confusing up there and makes me feel like an idiot at times.
I’ve been learning to cope better… I have a small smooth metal stone in my pocket that has the word coincidence stamped into it… silly I know… but it reminds me that life and the universe are NOT out to get me… stuff happens.
I’ve been getting into meditation more. I know many studies say that mediation is the worst thing when you have this illness… I have to admit… there was a time that sitting around sinking into my head was the worst thing I could do…
But I’ve some to find out I was doing it wrong… meditation is NOT passive… it’s active.
It’s bloody hard work at times…
First the calming of the body so when the mind decides to act up… the body knows it’s not in danger.
Then reinforcing that I’m part of the world not outside of it… it has no reason to harm me or fight me.
Also reinforcing that I’m not being watched, I’m not being judged by family photos, the ants are not predicting my physical health…
Meds… Therapy… Mindfullness… Meditation… questioning… and opening up to pondering has helped me get some of what I know and what I feel in alignment.
Wow… sorry it’s so long… I’m a bit hyper today.