Schizophrenia.com

My son, my heart

I mention my son a lot. He’s my reason to exist. He’s brilliant, kind (with an edge), clever, funny, handsome…and he has schizophrenia. I spelled it all the way out this morning because I’m feeling the weight of it crushingly. He recently literally traveled around the world by himself and, aside from a few glitches, he did tremendously well. I’m so proud of him! He’s about to move to San Francisco to settle there, and I believe in his ability to do so…But, my stomach is in knots when I think about what could go wrong. It’s like he has a ticking bomb inside of him, in my mind, that could go off any time. I’m dwelling on the unfair, the dreaded possibilities, the injustice of my beautiful intelligent son burdened with this pseudo tumor in his brain. I’m so on-edge this morning. If someone looks at me the wrong way I’ll cry…so I’m venting here amongst all of you who are the only ones who understand.

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If you live in the U.S. you can get him a phone from Walmart. They have cards that anyone can buy and use to load the phones from any distance, by doing it online:

This way as long as he has a charger, he will always have a way to contact you if things start going poorly, even if he runs out of money you can pay for the card and load it onto the account at any time.

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Can I meet your son? :slight_smile: Just keeding. Different continents and all.

Sounds like he’s on the control of himself. If he gets too crazy are you strong enough to force meds on him even though you don’t want them for yourself?

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Also I found that pretty much every Starbucks has outlets where you can charge phones, so if he ever gets lost or kicked out or anything, he just has to find a Starbucks.

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Thank you, @Turnip! He has a phone, so I hope he will contact me if he needs to. He’s really stubborn, but I hope he’ll let me know if he needs anything.

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@Minnii, that’s so cute :heart:️ He’s gay, but you two are both smart and focused so I know you could be friends. As far as meds go, he won’t take them. And I can’t make him do anything…he’s very stubborn. I have mixed feelings about it with him. I’m worried because without meds, and with meds even, he’ll have to be very focused and careful…

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Oh that’s right, the gay part! I have totally forgoten about it :smile: I’m just kiding here. I’m sure we could be friends :slight_smile:

I get that, if you worry at least you have our support here, and we can help you and guide you if its needed.

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I never had children so I don’t think I can understand but you explain yourself well and I can offer my sympathy.

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Dear Hedgehog, Your post is really touching. The fact that your son could travel around the world with all that that requires as far as planning and figuring out systems bodes well for him.

I hope the knots come untied. Your son sounds wonderful and I can see why you are so proud of him. You are there for him if he needs you; you are part of the safety net if anything does go wrong.

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Im sure that things will work out just fine for you guys @Hedgehog

You are a good Mom.

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Sorry to hear that you are having these fears. I also have a son who suffers from this disease. He has been in the hospital for more than a month now and he does not want meds. I understand your fears since I have the same ones. I am not sure what the future will bring but I know I have to let go of control of it since he is an adult and I cannot be there 24/7. I have nightmares about bad things happening and cannot find peace in this for him. Our children are our hearts. Just know that you are not alone.

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Thank you, everyone, for such support. I feel like I should have more faith and believe in God’s promises. He’s been faithful to me always.

cant understand what you are going through as a mom with a son who has this illness but!

As a son I can tell you that what helps a son with SZ more than any med is the support he gets from his mom. I don’t get much from my mom, so I know what it is like to lack that support.

Also I have this natural instinct for being a brother (as well as a really strong paternal instinct) so I tend to take people both younger and older than me under my wing, there are a couple young women in my support group who are like little sisters/daughters to me, and one of them is moving out of her moms place this summer in prep for college, and it is nerve wracking for me, even though she will still be close and I will see her often, its almost like if she was living under my care and was moving from my place…sorry if that’s confusing, a lot of people get confused about my tendencies to develop bonds with people…even though I have SZ I bond pretty quickly with people of a certain type, particularly those with mental illness.

So while I am not a mother and thus unable to feel your anxiety the way you do, I do know what it feels like to be nervous about someone you care about moving out on their own and being truly independent.

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Yes, it sounds like you understand. It’s the not knowing. Even under the best of circumstances, he’s chosen a difficult way to start out. With his sz, it’s like he’s carrying a snake along with him. If he isn’t careful, the snake will strike. And I think, why does my son have to carry a snake around with him when others don’t? I appreciate what you said about support and I’m very sorry that you don’t have your mom’s support. I wish I could do more for my son.
I think that’s really sweet that you care for those young women like a father. They’re lucky to have you! And I guess that’s all we can do sometimes is just be there, caring…:blush:

I’m a small chubby young woman who survived homeless in the Los Angeles area for about a month. Your son can definitely make it even if things go poorly. Just make sure he has a way to communicate and it will pan out. Some of us need to work up a lot of oomph and go charging out of the nest at full speed, or we’ll never make it.

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its actually really awkward because I wont turn 26 until april 24th, and these girls are only 6-8 years younger than me, and I feel the same sort of protective tendencies towards people 10 plus years older than me sometimes! its a real burden at times, but it also makes me feel good about myself, because if I can help person, then maybe, just maybe, I can make up for my past.

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The past is nothing but memories and lessons (hopefully) learned. I didn’t realize you were so young. See, I don’t know your past but it’s given you empathy and wisdom. :blush: This old lady really appreciates your insight. :heart:

my past…cannot be forgotten or forgiven, its something that no one could ever see past if they knew.

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I don’t believe that, but I respect your humility. :heart:

I hope your son will be okay, I worry about my partner going to work a few hours I can’t imagine a love one long distance away from me.

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