It appears that I have hit a wall in my spiritual and emotional wellness; something that is quite abstruse to me individually. At times, I feel a earning for a restitution of things as they once were, graceful and grotesque times both. Unequivocally, though, that restoration is not to take place because of my mental illnesses, which has rendered me to a place of desolate solitude, unable to climb up from the deep pit of despair.
However nominal I feel like this moment will become in the future, it is imperative that I answer this question, what is there more to do to become a person who is liked and recieved favorably? I have intentionally avoided this question for the space of many years, even before schizophrenia. Why do I feel such a solemnity for this question? The answer I have tried to reach and hold for a duration of time has been gone from my sight.
Previously, I thought that I was well-liked, but now that period of my book of life seems more and more distant. Though I sincerely try to be altruistic and charitable to people, I often feel like that same positive emotion is not resent. I do wonder a lot, as I suppose a lot of introspective people do, what is there to do to become the person we are destined, or rather directed to be. But this question is of complete futility, because I know that I cannot answer it on my own. For instance, I set up a monthly donation to NAMI for the foreseeable future, to try to help people learn more about mental illness. But I feel this is not enough, and I’m not sure if it accounts for all of my transgressions to people and myself. I guess this is the age old question of wondering what is enough to truly repent, which in my definition, means change.
Sorry for this being real long, but I wanted to improve upon my writing voice, so this is essentially practice but it is also candid and sincere. I feel like this is the one thing I can actually be mediocre at, so I wanted to improve. And this is the only way I know how, plus I’m not very good at fiction or poetry.